16 January 2013
I wrote this 14 months ago. I don't know whether to cry or laugh at the ending. Just wish I could hug the old me and tell her "It's gonna get worse before it gets better".
As a general FYI, the guy mentioned in the post got in touch when me and my ex ended. He was quite supportive and helpful, offering advice and listening to me at 4am. Maybe he'd finally grown up. Anyway...
November 2012 -
4 years ago I was a very different person. That is a serious fact. I don't think I ever imagined myself to grow up (I use those words loosely) into the person that I am today.
4 years ago, I had just broken up with my girlfriend (barely a 4 week relationship). I was in that period of time where I had an idea of what I wanted, but I didn't know how to make it work. Out of the blue, this older gentleman messages me online and we connect. Now at 19, I had no idea what would happen. He was 37 at the time, so he was fully grown up, knew what he wanted (yeah okay...not so much as I came to find out), stable job, own apartment, good upbringing, funny, smart, philosophical but as I came to find out, he was also paranoid, always looking to find a fault, criticising and very immature.
I didn't know the latter qualities until after I had fallen for him. He blew my mind, we had so many discussions about life, the world, religion, sex, films, music, children, marriage...the full works. And not once, did I get a warning sign of what was to come. I'm talking 2hr phone calls (if not more on the weekends) nearly everyday for about 7 months.
We made plans to meet up - he cancelled twice, legitimately. The third time was after an argument we had. He was punishing me for a misunderstanding. Still no warnings went off in my mind, most people would have been like "GTFO" by now. He started to throw back everything I had told him about myself back in my face, and 23yr old me is pissed that 19yr old me didn't even verbally beat him down for that bullshit!
Emails, texts, calls, letters, postcards, IM's...we did it all. Why is this even being brought up I hear you ask. While randomly searching for a song on my laptop, the results also somehow managed to find a few of his old emails. Some great, some not so great. He could be cruel when he wanted to be, and often the age difference was his biggest argument along with my sexuality and sarcasm. If I had approached him, he may have been justified in his attacks but he chose to chase me, friend me, create the mess of a relationship with me.
"A warning sign I missed the good part, then I realised I started looking and the bubble burst I started looking for excuses Come on in I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones That I started looking for a warning sign"
At the time when it finally ended, I cried constantly. I missed him so badly I ached. Looking back now, I'm upset that I let him get to me so badly. I hate that I was that carried away without thinking to look after myself. I regret not walking away when given several opportunities. Sure I was 19 but 19yr old me should have recognised the shit that was spewing from his mouth. What made him any different from the regular dicks in my life?
I changed myself for him, I hid my true thoughts from him. I watched what I said, felt, did. I felt ashamed of my brief sexual past around him when in reality, I was one of the freaking good girls. After hunting down all the emails (might as well go all out), I can see warning signs all over the place. I remember the times I cried because of something he said to me and he would later apologise...but then do it again. I would forgive and forget like there was no problem. Try that shit with me now and see what happens.
In a small, tiny way...I'm grateful for having met him. Because if it hadn't been for him, I would have never jumped back onto Okcupid (back when it was still good, don't judge!) to distract myself with quizzes and forum posts.
6 weeks after our final argument, I met my boyfriend (now my ex).
2 months later, the douchebag calls me out of the blue to apologise (3 fucking months later, what you think I've been sitting here twiddling my thumbs?!). Bad habits are hard to break...not my proudest moment, I'll own up to that. It's like finding a pair of shoes again that are so amazing and that fit you so well but after an hour, they hurt you to the point of tears and make life unbearable! A month later, the same old patterns start up again and finally, I just stopped caring. I have someone who loves me, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I PUT UP WITH THIS?! I deleted his number. I blocked his email and IM. I threw away everything he had ever sent me.
I saw the warning signs.
Love doesn't have to be blind. And it certainly doesn't have to hurt for it to be true. It can just be accepting, warm and understanding.
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I still believe in love, I really believe in that final sentence. I've finally found that, it just took another relationship to realise it. Surprisingly, my ex is eerily similar to the douchebag I was talking about.
Note to self - no more older men.
Warning Signs • Opuss № I