22 May 2012
8.
Felix and Holly both woke up at the same time that morning, one unaware of their biological ties and the other unaware of how to inform him of them. If anyone had asked him that morning, Felix would have been incapable of explaining why he had gone to Belle’s apartment the night before. He knew that he was running away from something but what it was he couldn’t put his finger on entirely. He knew deep down that he would never be able to walk away from his family completely, but somehow he couldn’t walk away from Belle either.
Opening his eyes that morning was the first time Felix saw the lounge in some semblance of daylight. He’d wanted to wake up next to her that morning, not to have to run away and deal with the guilt or the loss. This morning he just wanted to ignore the consequences of the decisions he was making and his own personal rules which he was breaking as he went along.
They hadn’t moved from the sofa all night, she hadn’t asked him why he had come and he hadn’t felt the need to tell her. They’d simply switched off the television and lain there face to face in the darkness exchanging kisses until they both fell asleep. Now in the near light coming through the thin veil curtain he could that see she was still asleep, her lips slightly parted and snoring softly again. He slid himself to the end of the sofa and managed to raise himself up into a seated position without disturbing Belle enough to wake her. The morning sun provided an investigative opportunity for Felix which had been missed the last time he was here. The bookshelves at the back of the room held more than just what he had previously seen as a collection of tourist trimmings sent from an absentee dad to placate a lonely and abandoned daughter. The photos which lined the shelves didn’t show a girl who had been deserted, they showed a girl doting on her father, arm in arm on white sandy beaches, tanned and golden on balconies, not a hint of resentment. It was funny to Felix that he had automatically assumed that she was as damaged as he was, it would have made her easier to shrug off if she had been.
He looked around for where he had dropped his jacket before realising that he had left it back at home before leaving, as well as his mobile phone which would still be in the inside pocket. He had an image of Alessandra frantically trying to ring him when he hadn’t returned after an hour or so, then of her walking downstairs with the cordless phone still ringing, hearing the high pitched buzzing from the pile of coat on the sofa and slowly realising what had happened. She would know he hadn’t done it on purpose, he never went anywhere without his phone, it was almost another appendage to him, something which Ali had taken issue with since they’d first met. Without his phone there was nothing he could do so he decided to clean himself up. Since his last night spent at Julian’s he had begun to leave a clean change of clothes in the boot of his car, he slid out of the lounge and down the permanently gloomy corridor to the front door. As he slid out of Belle’s front door he took care not to let it close behind him, her waking up alone once was forgivable but to do it to her again didn’t seem like a prospect from which there could be redemption.
He took a moment to lean on the car in the East facing car park and soak up the warmth of the sunlight, behind his back the car was whispering into his ear to leave, drive away and forget about everything, but Felix ignored it. His legs stayed planted to the asphalt while his mind ran through all the possible permutations of how this escapade could end, all of them bad. In spite of this not once did he contemplate the possibility of discontinuing his relationship with the girl inside. Something had magnetised him to her and he was unable to free himself from whatever it was that had tied his mind and fickle heart to her in such a short time.
After his short contemplation Felix got up from the car with his change of clothes in hand, just a grey t-shirt with light beige chinos, a fresh pair of Calvin Kleins and a navy blue linen blazer. He walked across the still dewy grass of the quad in front of the apartment building, leaving a tell-tale trail of dark footprints which would disappear as the sun stretched towards them. Both doors which he had left on the latch opened silently and he took care to close them without letting the latch make a loud click as he re-entered the apartment. Like the bathroom the walls of the apartment were a brilliant white, however the fact that so little natural light penetrated into the central corridor made them appear a miserable grey. There were two large bedrooms, one was perfectly made and untouched the other had the dishevelled remnants of a queen size bed in its centre. As he made his way back to the lounge, expecting to find a still sleeping Belle, he passed the entrance to a small kitchenette where she was standing holding a cup of tea up to her lips and blowing on it softly. He tossed his clothes down onto the sofa and walked towards her. She lowered the mug and he kissed her on the lips, as he pulled away she grimaced and said, “Woah! Bed mouth mister, you might want to have a glass of water.”Felix smiled coyly and picked up an empty glass from the drying rack by the sink and filled it with water from the tap. “So what brought you over here last night? Please tell me it wasn’t because you had an argument with your wife.” For a moment Felix didn’t know what to say, but his eyes gave him away before he could speak. “Jesus Christ! And here was me thinking that maybe you actually cared.”
Felix put down the glass, turned to her and said, “The funny thing is I do, normally I’d never come back here but I can’t seem to get you out of my head. We had an argument but it’s nothing new and really it was just an excuse to come and see you.” He paused to take another sip of water like a politician cornered in a debate. “Besides if you meant that little to me don’t you think I’d have just come and fucked you again, then probably have left?”
Belle took a moment to consider it and seemed to reach a satisfied conclusion, “yeah I suppose that’s true, I pretty much expected you to have left when I woke up to be honest.”
“Look I realise that this is pretty messed up, I’ve never done this before, so I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I just know that at the moment I have this feeling like I need to be with you.”
“Well I don’t believe you’ve never done this before.”
He took a step towards her. “I mean this. Coming back. I’ve done some things before but this is the worst, this is really cheating you know? But I can’t help it, since that first night I’ve done everything I could to put you out of my head and nothing works.”
“Then why were you such a prick? The other week when you dropped me home and I told you how I felt, you went mad. How could you do that if you really cared?”
“Because I didn’t want to care, I shouldn’t. I’m married Belle, I have a kid, this can’t end well.”
“I knew you were married when I met you, I told you I don’t expect anything. Anyway let’s not have an argument about it, just know that I’m willing to let what happens happen. I feel the same way about you, since we met it’s mad I feel like I’m being drawn to you. How many girls do you know who would show up at your bar again after you left them in the middle of the night?”
Felix laughed guiltily into his hand, “That’s true I have to give you credit for that, Julian guessed who you were though.”
“Did he? So you told him about me? You know, he’s been seeing my friend Sophie since.”
“Really? I haven’t spoken to him in a while to be honest I’ve been trying to take a step back from work, sort of means I don’t see him as much.”
She tipped up her mug, emptying the remainder of her tea into the sink. “What do you mean you’re taking a step back at work? Are you not running the bar anymore?”
“Well I own the place, I just figured that I didn’t need to be there every single night anymore. I made that barman the manager, you remember, the one who was there the night we met.”
“Why would you do that? You were born to run that place, half the people who go in there go in to see you.”
“I think that’s probably an exaggeration, Bambi, but thanks. I had the intention of spending more time at home,” he spread his arms in a gesture of apparent bafflement, “and we can all see how that’s worked out.”
Belle leaned down to take one of his hands, curling her fingers between his. “Did you just call me Bambi? That’s cute, I like that. If you need to go back now that’s ok, like I understand.”
“Actually I’m going to go into town, there’s a million and one things I have to do. What are you doing today?”
“I don’t have any plans, I’m looking for a job at the moment with very little enthusiasm.”
Felix smiled at her, “Yes I’m familiar with the concept, listen why don’t you come with me? I’ll have to swing by work and make some calls but we could have lunch and spend the day in London if you like.”
She tried to hide it but Felix could see her eyes widen slightly and her stifled smile at the corners of her mouth. “Are you sure? I don’t want to get in your way or anything, and what if someone sees us together?”
“They won’t, and if they do I’ll handle it. Just come, come and spend the day with me it’ll be fun.” He used her hand to pull her towards him so that her body was pressed against his, both of them smiled at each other like over-excited teenage lovers. “You know I have a resounding urge to be making love to you within the next five minutes,” he paused purposefully. “Well I say urge but I really mean need.” She laughed and he kissed her
Daddy's Gone 8.0 • Opuss № I