9 November 2012
Gather round fatties, gather round. Sit back in comfort and let your minds drift. Tonight I shall regale you with the deeds of Jimmothy. We begin...Once upon a time, in a land far away from the land that is FAR far away...and hence I guess not too far away from our land...well I say not too far but, like...you could DRIVE but I wouldn't want to walk it you know?..Look the land itself is not super important here ok?! FOCUS!! Lived our heroic hero who heroically did heroic deeds, like...ummm...dragon slaying and shit...well ok it was a lizard, but Jimmothy totally slew it...by...ummm...ok so he accidentally stood on it whilst going to the john...which in the forest is kind of anywhere and everywhere...
I feel I should start this again. LO! Gather and be made aware, the tale of Jimmothy and the CALL OF NATURE.
So one fine day Jimmothy the moose was trucking through the undergrowth, thinking moosey thoughts... Not that he necessarily lived in the undergrowth you understand...that's stereotyping and kind of racist...I thought you were better than that...Anyway Jimmothy, undergrowth, trucking. WHEN SUDDENLY his moosey musings were interrupted by a call of nature! ...now, as a human audience your minds leap immediately to the assumption that Jimmothy needed the toilet...really...last warning people, stop with the racially based assumptions!! Dirty dirty fatties...as Jimmothy is at ONE with nature, a CALL of nature means simply that he was being called by one of his steady bitches n ho's...no doubt in serious need of some moosey lovin'. 32 minutes later (as a non-moose audience you may not be familiar with how difficult it is for a cloven hooved animal to answer a telephone, cellular or otherwise) Jimmothy answered the phone with his best 'totally available for sexy-time but...you know...I could take it or leave it...like, it's no big deal...but if you want to I suppose I would also be down' voice:
J:mmmyyyyeeeesssss. O:it's Olga. J:you know it! O:I suppose I...ummm...right...you seen my cousin? I need you to find her for me. J:oh...right...you sure this wasn't a booty call? O:relatively. J: right ok, good to know...where was she last? O: she was around some trees and grass and... J: just to be clear...booty is totally off the tabl... O:yes, no booty...SHE might be kind of grateful... J: say no more! J-dawg to the rescue!! O: does anyone actually call you J-Dawg? J: sorry! You're breaking up...can't...hear...ou...call you back when I've finished having my way with...sorry...SAVING your cousin.
At which point the selfless and heroic Jimmothy hung up...eventually...again it's not an easy manipulation to make without opposable thumbs.
The adventure begins! Will Jimmothy brave the dangers of the wilderness? Will that rash turn out to be something more? But this, dear fatties, is all we have time for tonight. Good night, sleep well, dream of adventure...and maybe think of doing some exercise...I didn't know elbows could HAVE cankles...
Jimmothy And The Call Of Nature • Opuss № I