18 November 2012
Hello all, allow me to talk about my cats. Now hold on ladies! I know your immediate response to men broaching this subject is to pounce upon them whilst somehow managing to both disrobe yourselves and they midair. Restrain yourselves. It's a sexy subject and its only going to get sexier, you really might want to sit on some sort of desiccant. Fair warning. So my cats, in order of seniority are Tiddles and Minx. Tiddles is in her 20's now and acts in a way that one would expect a centenarian to act. She is stone deaf and senile in a way that beggars belief. This cat is SO senile she forgets having eaten and spends the day going in and out of the kitchen eating (about 40% of the day). How enormously fat is this cat? I hear you wonder. No, not fat at all. WHY she is not at all fat is that she spends an equal percentage of the day redistributing the food in warm piles of vomit high and low, truly all over. I love her to bits, but its time to acknowledge what I have become. Dedicated staff. Personal sick chauffeur. Valet.
The other is the aptly named Minx. Apt because she is a massive pain in everyone's ass. This is a feline practically too lazy to eat. Sleeping an impressive 80% of most days. What makes her special is how annoying she can be within the constraints of the remaining 20%. Imagine if a 5-6 year old child saved up all its questions to be unleashed in a 20 minute burst. You might get some idea of what my family has termed the Minxy Parade. A daily occurrence, the animal throws itself at you with what looks like frenzied adoration managing in the region of 40 meows a minute. It is not affection though, she has dry and itchy skin, basically all she wants is something to scratch against, all business no pleasure. Ignoring the parade is not an option as she is regrettably not blessed with a melodious meow. Nope, some sort of helium squawk that pierces through all barriers is repeated with maddening frequency. Once again, what am I? A glorified scratching post. A body slave.
Truly I love these animals. Some days I feel degraded.
The Felix Percentages • Opuss № I