17 April 2012
Ever see the girl in the corner of the class doodling all over her math notes? Or the girl who sits at a table with people she hates only because she had nothing better to do. That was Peyton; she was not a typical seventeen year old girl. She was a cynical, pretentious teenage blogger and whether she liked it or not I just couldn’t get enough of her…she consumed me. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach? The one that just makes you want to dance scream and feel everything possible. That was Peyton to me. It was junior year when I first saw her; she was in the corner by the water fountain writing. Oh how I loved to read what she wrote. Peyton had a way with her words. We could sit there and talk for hours about nothing but it would mean everything. It felt good to have each other. The feeling of not being so alone all the time was what I loved the most about having her. Peyton always kept to herself, she never gave me the time of day. I would ask her to go to lunch she said she had already eaten. I would ask her to go out to the movies and she would always say how obnoxious the people there were and how she didn’t want to catch an STD from sitting in those seats. I didn’t blame her for that last part, have you seen what people do at the movies sometimes?! So unsanitary. I just couldn’t win. Until one day I just couldn’t handle it anymore so I shook off my nerves and went for it. I saw Peyton outside the library; she was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I knew it was my one and only chance to get close to her. So I did it I approached her and the rest was history. “Hey...your name is Peyton right? I’m Vanessa but you can just call me Nessa!” After that the rest was easy we just talked about the book along with other things we both enjoyed. Every Friday night at the coffee shop behind the library is where we would meet. We’d catch up on the latest news; what we were reading, any new music that we started listening to and things of that nature. I couldn’t wait to run home and tell my mom about her; before that I wanted to invite her over for a sleepover. I can’t believe my parents said yes! They never let me have friends over. That night at the sleepover we made a list of all the places we wanted to go; and all the things we wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep because I was so happy things were starting to turn around for me; Peyton on the other hand was out like a light. She was so pretty when she was sleeping. I could watch her forever. The next morning wasn’t that great though because Peyton had to leave and couldn’t stay for breakfast. She didn’t even get the chance to meet my parents. That’s ok I guess…I was pretty upset that I didn’t get to see her at school the next day though cause I had to go to therapy. You’d think that after ten years of it they’d figure out how to fix me. There was a lot that Peyton didn’t know about me and I was so afraid to tell her; what if she thought I was a freak and didn’t want to hang out with me anymore or even worse not be my friend anymore. I’m sorry but that is just a risk I wasn’t willing to take. Not yet at least. Peyton told me everything about her life and all the things she has experienced. I had nothing to match her greatness except for the time I went to Canada and found one hundred dollars on the subway. I bought some post cards and a sweater that read I heart Canada on the front. Winter break starts tomorrow and I’m pretty excited to get time off school but at the same time I’m pretty depressed because Peyton is going on vacation with her uncle. They’re going to backpack through Europe; another great adventure to add on to her list. Even though Peyton is going to be gone and I won’t have anyone to talk to I’m kind of content that ill have some time to clear my head and figure some things out. Well it’s been two weeks and Peyton has finally returned. She’s all mine once again! She brought me back a souvenir from every placed she visited! Her gifts were better than any of my Christmas gifts combined! Things were great between us…except during that time I had to myself during winter break. It got me thinking about everything. I had a secret that not even Peyton knew. I was so in love with her and I didn’t even know why. I’m a girl and she’s a girl. I’m not gay but there was just something about her that I couldn’t resist. I didn’t want to tell her; what if she thought I was a freak and didn’t want to be my friend anymore? I couldn’t handle living without her. You’re probably thinking what’s so wrong about that? Everything is. I had to tell Peyton; I’m going to tell her I just need to find the right time and place for it. Friday night at the coffee shop….we are going to have more than books and music to talk about. “Hey Nessa, how are you? I have so much to tell you!”…. Oh no this was going to be harder than I thought. “Hey Peyton, I’m good…and that’s great but first I need to tell you something…” My heart was racing and I could barely breathe. Peyton was just sitting there waiting for me to say what I needed to say. That was another thing I loved about her. She was always so patient with me…I could always tell how much she cared about me. So then it happened, I told her I loved her and that no matter what I will always love her. She just sat there quietly and listened to me until I finished. Once I finished talking the most unexpected thing happened; she reached across the table with her arm and grabbed my face to bring it closer to hers….she kissed me. Peyton actually kissed me; it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt in the world. I felt her smooth hands gently sweeping the side of my face and neck. I felt her warm breath against my lips. Time froze. Nothing else mattered except me and her…and then when the kiss was over she simply pulled away and whispered I love you too… I was on top of the world and absolutely nothing and no one could bring me down. Or at least that’s what I thought…Peyton met a guy. She didn’t like him like him; she just said they were friends. I trusted her and I knew she wouldn’t leave me for some guy but they were always so flirtatious and it made me hang off the edge of my seat every time I noticed the two of them together. So I did the last thing that I ever wanted to do… I made her choose. Be with me or be friends with him. She obviously chose me but I saw her insides tearing apart when I saw her walk over to chase and give him the news. I did what I promised I wouldn’t do…I hurt the girl I loved and for that I deserved to die. I wanted to die. I couldn’t stand myself; Peyton kept telling me it was ok. She told me she wasn’t mad and that she’d get over it eventually but I knew she was trying to fight back those tears so hard. I need to make it up to her somehow; I need to show her that I really do love her...and that I am in love with her. Yea that’s right I think I’m head over heels in love with Peyton. I hope she feels the same. Gosh I sound so cliché but I just can’t help it. Dammit! I hate Tuesdays with a burning passion. Off to therapy for me. Therapy isn’t that bad itself I mean all I really do is sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling while Doctor. Robinson sits in her pretty little chair with her pretty little notepad and writes. I’m not even quite sure what the hell she’s writing half the time. I told her about Peyton and how much I’d rather be in school with her every Tuesday than on this couch in this room around these books. Yea sure I love books but not these kinds. These are the kinds of books that no one actually reads. They just sit there looking pretty. It’s all just for show. “Hey look at me I’m a Doctor with a lot of books. Pay me all your money and ill pretend to care about your problems!” But forget the books can we talk about the smell in here? It smells like death. I guess that’s ok though because it goes perfectly well with the shit colored brown walls. I don’t want to be here. Just let me leave! All you have to do is sign my medication form and I can be on my way: I can go to school and see my baby. I can hold her and kiss her and tell her how much she means to me…Finally an hour later and I’m walking in to third period. American literature, my favorite…plus Peyton’s in that class! Or at least I thought she was…I got to my seat and she wasn’t there at the desk next to me. She’s always at that desk…where the hell is Peyton? I can’t stay in class I can’t focus right now I need to find her. I looked everywhere the cafeteria, the library, by the water fountain, I even looked under the stairwell that we go to fool around at after school sometimes. “Vanessa! Wake up! Are you alright?!” I look up and there she is; pretty little Doctor. Robinson with her face not that far from mine. They are basically touching at this point. I put my hand up her skirt and pull her body on top of mine. Wait what? ”Vanessa are you alright? Do you need me to call the ambulance?” “I’m fine I’m fine what happened?” “You started having a panic attack and then you fainted.” Dammit and here I was having sexual fantasies about my therapist. Doctor Robinson called my mom just to tell her what had happened and then she let me leave. I went back to school…I had a massive headache I just wanted to see Peyton. That’s all I really cared about at this point. Plus I was feeling sexually frustrated and didn’t mind going under the stair well afterschool. She looked so cute today; I asked her if we could go to the stairwell later she looked up at me, bit her lip and said yes. I went to fourth period history blah blah nothing new. Then I raced to the stairwell as soon as I heard the bell ring. There she was, waiting… I ran over to her dropped my bag and picked her up. She ran her fingers through my hair then down the side of my neck. I started kissing her so hard I couldn’t even control myself…then I moved down to her neck and collar bone. Her skin was so soft. It smelt so good, and it tasted even better. I kept moving further down.
Her Name Was Peyton • Opuss № I