8. Innocence

She leans over the side of the bridge, contemplating the events of the day, trying to ignore the noise behind her. It would be so easy to step up onto the ledge. There is even what looks like a little stone step to help her. She tries to remember what happened today. It's difficult. There are holes in her memory. Black, gaping holes of nothingness.

The water below churns, talking to the maelstrom in her mind. A kindred soul. A maelstrom and a nothingness. Could she have both at the same time? She wonders if she has lost her mind. That's what they say don't they? You've lost your mind. If she never had it to start with would that make a difference?

This morning she kissed him goodbye. She remembers that. A big sloppy kiss. He never was a good kisser. What next? Does it matter? She thinks it probably does matter but can't quite bring herself to care.

Behind her the noise starts to intrude on her reflections. She squeezes her eyes tight closed and the noise recedes again. That's better, she wants peace now, not noise. Always noise. And movement, always movement; never still. She wants to be still.

Lunchtime he came home. She sees him now. More noise. Waving arms. A fist.

Peace, she longs for peace. Shut out the sirens and the lights. Shut everything out.

So strong. Why are some so strong when she is weak? She thinks maybe it is her fault. She must have done something wrong. Or at least something not quite right.

Looming. She remembers that. Strong. Smelling of drink again. The nothingness is receding. She tries to drag it back. Please come back!

The view up here is beautiful. She hears the water calling. The wind teasing, enticing. It almost drowns out the sirens, the voices. She can hear them moving closer.

It was an accident. There was blood. This time it wasn't hers. Is that real? Yes, she thinks it is. More nothingness. Wandering. Yes, the afternoon she wandered. She is pleased she remembered that. She tells herself she hasn't lost it yet.

What will they say if she does what she's told? If she steps down carefully, if she takes their hand? Something inside softly snaps. No more doing as she's told! No more!

At the last moment there is clarity. Pure and clear. He took her innocence all those years ago. Oh it was all legal they say. All arranged. No choice. Her life belonged to him for so long. Now she was free. She was going to regain her innocence. A cleansing, an escape.

She was flying. Eyes wide. Afraid of nothing. Nothing. She was welcomed below. She was free forever. Innocence restored.