7 December 2012
And said, 'Hey, I'm pregnant! Wouldn't you know... But I don't know who the father is' Immaculate conception? You're taking the piss But they'd been here before and he loved Mary so Even if she was the dirtiest ho So he picked up the phone, dialled 999 Dialled it again, got it wrong first time The ambulance came, they were stoned indeed Didn't need gas, she was high on weed Joe saw the driver was scratching his head He'd heard on the radio - no hospital bed! Joe said to the driver, 'Hurry up mate She's about to drop and she don't look great' But Mary was calm for she knew what to do For Mary and Joe knew a dealer or two She dialled up a number (twice) and said, 'Awright? I'm avin' a sprog. Got a bed for the night?'
She gave birth on a mattress, filthy and dirty It was then that Joe got a little bit shirty 'You could have let me finish me grub And at midnight I should still be in the pub You're always preggers, it's always the same' 'Shut up dickhead and think of a name You're always like this when you're pissed, such a drag Now do me a favour and light me a fag...'
So in a drug dealers den on Christmas morn For Mary and Joe, a Messiah was born A beautiful star bathed all in its sight Or was it the police helicopter's searchlight... With no crib for a manger, parents out of their head The poor little bastard was christened...Fred Three wise men then came bearing gifts They were social workers at the end of their shifts 'What we have's not gold, you poncing gits But we have no choice, have some more benefits' Blessed the hungry, blessed the meek These two are copping six grand a week
Fred grew up to be a right little tyke Surrounded by dealers and thieves and the like The police know him well but Fred isn't coy He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy Mary and Joe are still living in sin Everything's paid for, stolen goods are within Last time I heard, she looked like a balloon Another Messiah's due sometime in June With no hope and no help it's the way it'll stay A street corner car crash Nativity play...
Fred The Messiah • Opuss № I