12 November 2012
Morning all. DCI Spanx here, and I'm afraid I have another case of severe FFP (fashion faux pas) to report.
An anonymous tip has led me to to Essex today, where it appears the most heinous crime had finally been reported. Here goes, but be warned, you'll need a strong stomach...
Date: Every day. Time: 7am and 6.30pm The accused: Mr Tony Blyth The crime: SOCKS AND SANDALS!
Ok ok, settle down, I know it's bad... To continue...
Witnesses: many, but chiefly spotted by my anonymous source. DCI Spanx in attendance.
This is the most serious case I've ever come across. I arrived at the premises, and saw the accused carrying out the crime with my own eyes. Yes, in November. I tried to give the accused a chance to defend himself, but his mouth just keep opening and closing like a goldfish, and all I ever got out of him was 'Well... well...' In fact this case is so serious, I've decided to be judge and jury myself. So, to sentencing...
Mr. Tony Blyth, you have been found guilty of the most heinous FFP known to the civilised world. As I'm sure you know, socks and sandals is the most heinous offence, and my anonymous source informs me that not only do you indulge in this practise every day, you actually seem to delight in it! Do you have anything to say? Cue: goldfish impressions and many 'wells' Thought not...
Therefore, as a repeat offender, your sentence will reflect the severity of the crime, and is the maximum penalty allowed by law.
You shall be taken from this place to a busy Primark, there to be made to work a week on the tills. At Christmas. Take him down...
There, another result for DCI Spanx and the fashion police. Right, I'm off to another case, something involving Hawaiian shirts I think...
Now, where did I put my Crocs...
Most Heinous • Opuss № I