madmaximus
Sent a mate on the shop run to get me a Star and a Galaxy. Smartarse came back with The Sun and a Milky Way.
I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
Did anyone ever find out if Annie was ok?
I was on the motorway last night at about 3am when the police pulled me over. "You know how fast you were going back there?" said the officer "About 150 mph" I replied "And why on earth were you going that speed?" He asked "Well the sig…
I was on the motorway last night at about 3am when the police pulled me over. "You know how fast you were going back there?" said the officer "About 150 mph" I replied "And why on earth were you going that speed?" He asked "Well the sig…
It was a mistake to steal a smart car. It picked me out of the police line-up and appeared as a witness for the prosecution.
My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life. My brain during the day: Potato, Potato, ching chong Tomato
"What would you like?" says the barman. "What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife." "No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to d…
When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written on my statue.
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
To mark the Titanic centenary, I shall be standing in the Tesco salad aisle, yelling "Iceberg, dead ahead!" and pointing at the lettuce
I needed to get some glasses, so I visited the opticians: "How much are these?" I asked." These frames are £99, with the lenses on top" said the assistant. "Not bad" I said, "but how much if the lenses were inside the frame?"
Thanks to the unlikely success of her previous business venture, she now sells sea shells in the Seychelles.
However sad you feel... Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped his ice-cream
If someone says 'I love you' and you don't feel the same way, say 'I love YouTube' really fast!