joel

I'm supposedly over you. and over this mess. if I'm done with you two, why all this stress? I'm trying to cope and hide the pain. but you're sitting right next to me without restraint. I can't stop thinking about you when you're sitting on my brain. I can't help but cut when I just feel insane. I let you in. you let yourself out. that's how it is with people. what you're about. you'd look me in the eyes and our skulls would touch. you would be gentle, didn't want to push me too much. I'd pour my soul into your eyes, as you injected all your romantic lies. I'm over reacting. it's not a big deal. I'll get used to it. I need to chill. I don't know why I'm hurting as much as I am. this isn't me. this isn't who I am. I'm the one that rips the hearts. that's been me from the start. but he hurt me and now it's done. I can't feel my toes, completely numb. and I just feel stupid waiting around for you to call. I know you're there down the hall. she's there. I wish I didn't care but I do. I like to think she's there to make me jealous. I like to think you're using her to get to me. but she's been here longer and she's what you need. she's who you like. she's been that all along. I was just some girl you stringed along. I can feel your happiness running in place. the happiness isn't rubbing off on me, it's just being rubbed in my face. I can taste your joy. I was just another deploy. it's yours. it's hers. it's meant for you and her. not for me. it's not for us. we've tried. we've seen. I feel like I tried harder than you. I feel like that's what you wanted, too. you wanted me to love you most. wanted me to be your parasite's host. I can't complain about your nerdy black hair. or the truth you poured into my mouth through the kisses we shared. I would cuddle up to you and the world would shatter. you had me right there, on a silver platter. I'm here for you. waiting. I hate it, but I am. I can't escape it, but I can. and it's all running perfectly with your plan.