27 June 2012
My creepy German neighbor
I woke up. I checked the clock, it was 4:00 am. I thought about Ramona. Oh God I miss her so much! She was my best friend, my only friend. A tear rolled down my cheek. "Stop crying you idiot! Crying is for wusses!" I thought angrily. I closed my eyes, within a few minutes I fell back asleep. When I awoke again it was to the sound of Anica's voice. "Ohayo Deric-sensei!" she said in a voice so cheerful I wanted to barf up my guts. "What the heck did you just say?" I asked as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "That means good morning Deric in Japanese," she answered. "Speak English. You're an American after all," I said with annoyance. "I'm just trying to spice up the humdrum of everyday. The English language can be so dull sometimes. I don't really like the sound of it," she said. Where have I heard that before? Oh Ramona, I miss you everyday! Gah! Stop acting like a frickin' wuss!!!!! Stupid,stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! "I can tell you must be angry with yourself about something." "Wha- no! I'm fine, j-just fine! You kids and your imaginations! Heh, heh, heh," I said nervously. "You're in denial. It's a very common reaction when you're feeling upset and someone just pointed it out," she said. How old was this kid again? Anyways, so here's how the rest of the morning went, Anica made me breakfast that I swear tasted like it was from a five star restraunt (is there nothing this kid can't do?!?), then she asked me what my favorite books were. I had absolutely no idea. The last time I read a book was when I was in college. Come on! Think! Think! Think!!!!!!!!!! I was thinking so hard my brain started to hurt. "It's really hard to figure out which one's your favorite, isn't it." "Uh, yeah," I said so I wouldn't look like an idiot in front of a six- year old. "So, what are some books you like?" "Let's see, I like Jane Eyre, Matilda, the chronicles of Narnia, the tale of Despereaux, the Sherlock Holmes series, Charlotte's web, the trumpet of the swan, Charlie and the chocolate factory, Stuart Little, where the mountain meets the moon, and I like a lot of the fairy tales by Hans Christian Anderson," Anica said. I think I speak for everyone when I say this girl put the "book" in bookworm! "So, what do you wanna do today?" I asked, hoping she wouldn't say draw or paint again. " Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe read or play board games," she said. Oh thank God! "Ooohh! The weather outside is so pretty today! Why don't we play outside!" "Sure, that sounds good," I said. My backyard is nothing but grass so I thought it would be better for her to play in my front yard where at least there are some trees and bushes. At first she just looked around the yard. She seemed to be examining it like a lawn inspector or whatever. Then after awhile she began to walk around a bit. "Do you want to play tag?" Anica asked. "No," I replied bitterly. "How about duck, duck, goose?" "No." "Unicorns?" "No." "Hide and go seek?" "Definitely not." Then she began to run around the yard as fast as she possibly could. She stuck her arms out in a way that made her look like a airplane. Then she started shouting "I'm running!!!!!! I'm running!!! WEEEEEHEEEEE!!!!!!!!" "Anica! What the $@#% are you doing?!?" I demanded angrily. "Running! You should try it Uncle Deric! It's so fun!" she shouted happily. "How did you get so much energy?!? Have you been drinking red bull?" "No silly! Come on! Try it! You know you want to!" she said. Well, that actually does look really fun, and I'm sure no one will see me. Why not? "WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!! I'm running! I'm running! This is AWESOME!!!!!!! I feel just like a kid again!" I said smiling like the people from the commercials that look way too happy. "Yeah I know right!" Anica said. At that very moment a lady happened to walk by with her kids. "Mommy! What's wrong with that man over there?!?" one of her kids said as they pointed at me. "I don't know sweetie. Just ignore him and he won't bother you," the lady said. "Mommy! That man is scaring me!" another kid said. It seemed that everyone in my neighborhood had gathered around my front yard to watch me run around like a psycho. I was totally humiliated. They were all staring at me. My next door neighbor (who I like to call my creepy German neighbor, well not to his face, if I did that he would totally destroy me.) also happened to be outside cutting the massive hedge that surrounded his house. He began to mutter something furiously under his breath. All I could make out was,"Stupid Americans," and "Vhy did ve ever become zis countries ally?" So I guess I should tell you more about my creepy German neighbor. Well, we don't exactly get along. The first time we met went something like this. He had invited me over to his house for dinner. I kid you not when I say the place was spotless! He had made all the food himself. Wurst and potatoes(with beer of course!) It was so delicious! Aaaaahhh! Wurst and beer! DROOL OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!! Gah! Sorry about that! You'd understand if you've had wurst before. Now back to the story. Things were going ok at first, but that was only for a few minutes. It was clear he wasn't good at starting a conversation and there was some awkward silence for awhile. Then finally he introduced himself. "H-hallo. My name is Adoff Emerich," he said as he attempted to do something that looked almost like a smile. "Oh, like Hitler," I commented. I'd probably drank one too many beers, but anyway from there things went from bad, to REALLY REALLY bad after that. The night ended with him kicking me out of his house and him screaming at me in German and calling me an "arseloch." He's hated me ever since. Now's probably the time when I give you a description of what he looks like. He's fair-skinned, crazy muscular, has platinum blonde hair, is also very, very tall, and if I had to describe how he looked in two words I'd has to say big and scary. Sometimes he'll just stare at you with his piercing, icy, blue eyes. So creepy!!!!!!!!! It's like they see right into your soul!!!!!!!! Like they know all your secrets!!!! And just that alone is enough to make the manliest of men cry for mommy. Some other creepy things about him are that he is abnormally strong and fast, he practically appears out of nowhere (kind of like a vampire), he has this really deep, scary sounding voice so that even if he were to say a simple "Hello!" it would sound like he was ushering a death threat, and the creepiest thing is I tend to run into him a lot. Like when I go for a jog, or to the gym, or at the grocery store. Sometimes it's like everywhere I go he follows! I know I sound really paranoid but it's true! But that's enough about my creepy German neighbor. My six-year old niece has now just single-handedly humiliated me in front of everyone in my neighborhood.
How a little girl ruined my life chapter 3 • Opuss № I