30 September 2012
"Alright you Brits! Gather round!" I heard Damian call out.
"Since you all have only been here for like a week I decided I'd give you a tour of the country or town I guess. Now I want you all to form a line around me. Admission will be $20."
"What the...?!?" William said with confusion.
"Nah I'm just kidding man. That will be $40 please," Damian said with a grin.
"Damian! Stop conning money off of the British!!!!!!!!!" I said angrily.
"Now now Ceara, don't get your panties in a wad. I was just having a little fun."
"Grrrrr. I hate you," I muttered under my breath.
"Okay, first stop is......... The pub!!!!!!"
"Doesn't look like much," Alexandra said.
"What's so special about it anyway?" William asked.
"Do you even know what you're saying?!?!?! This isn't just some pub! It's a place people go to forget the problems of life and drown their sorrows in vodka and whiskey!!!!! It's a sacred Haven of darts and booze!!! It's a place where people can be themselves," Damian said dramatically.
"It really just looks like some dirty old pub to me," Alexandra said with an expression that stated she still clearly wasn't impressed, even after that whole speech.
"Yo! Leroy!!!" Damian shouted.
"What is it now?!?!" Leroy roared.
"Can't you see I'm trying to write an epic poem!"
"Actually I was going to introduce you to the new British transfer students at our school."
"Oh, well this is awkward. 'Ello! The name's Leroy. Special talents include writing poetry and giving advice! Pleasure to make your acquaintances!"
"Uh, pleasure to meet you too," William said nervously.
"Hello Leroy!" I said with a smile.
I always like seeing Leroy! He's so nice and really smart, even though he is the town drunk.
" 'Ello sweet heart. How has life been treating you?" Leroy asked.
"It's been fine thank you for asking. How has your life been?"
"Sorry to interrupt your clearly important conversation, but we're frickin burning daylight here! I don't have all day to listen to you blabber about retarded crap! I have a tour to run!" Damian said with annoyance.
"Are all boys in America this obnoxious?" Alexandra asked.
"Sadly, I'm afraid so," I said grimly.
" 'Ey! You leave Ceara alone! She has been very supportive in my attempt to become sober! Thanks to 'er I've gotten down to two a day, bottles that is," Leroy said defensively.
"No need to freak out man, God. You people are so touchy," Damian said.
"You watch it you little-"
"Okay on with the tour!"
Next we went to the asylum.
"Now over here is the man who thought he was a baby."
"I wanna wide on my twicycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I heard him scream as one of the exasperated workers there tried to tell him that he was a 38 year old man.
"Now........ To the donation center!!!!!!!" Damian said.
"Here you can donate clothes, books, hair, toys, blood, the works."
"Good to know," William said.
"Let's see, what are some other cool places in this rat hole of a town?" Damian wondered aloud.
"The library is pretty cool. They have a really great selection of books!" I said.
"Ooh, that sounds fun," Alexandra said.
"Yeah definitely," said William.
"I object!" Damian said with a scowl.
"Overruled!" I said with triumph.
"Fine then, we'll go to the stupid library."
"Yay!"
"Oh hey, look at this! They have the Sherlock Holmes series!!!!!!"
"This is incredible! They have Jane Eyre!"
"Oh my God! They have the phantom of the opera!!!!!!!!"
"They have Oliver Twist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh my God, they have a bunch of boring,dusty old people books," Damian said.
"Oh quit your whining," I barked.
"But Ceeeeeeaaaaraaaaaaaaaaaaa, we've been here for five hours!"
"Damian, it's only been five minutes!"
"Five minutes, five hours, what's the difference?"
"Ugh."
"Thank you for the tour," William said gratefully.
" No problem. Just doing my part as a good Samaritan and helping out you poor foreigners. It would just be cruel to leave you on your own, not understanding our mysterious new culture and language," Damian said.
"I swear, if all American boys are like him I'm going to go insane," Alexandra said with pure irritation.
"Don't worry, insanity isn't so bad," I said reassuringly.
What a wonderful world ch. 4 • Opuss № I