20 November 2012
I was followed by a dog, so I chased it away But then I was very sorry; For the poor little creature ran into the road And was hit by a twelve tonne lorry.
No blood or guts spilt from the dog; He didn’t even make a sound, But now the dogs incredibly flat Before, just plump and round.
I stared in utter disbelief. I was sure he should be dead, But he wagged his tail, stood on his feet And raised his doggy head.
The lorry driver drove us both to the nearest vet Who was shocked enough to yell at me “What’s happened to your pet?!”
I explained the situation And said he wasn’t mine So the vet just checked him over and said “This dog is doing fine”.
Surely that can’t be, I said He isn’t doggy shaped? “Yes” said the vet, stroking his beard, “He’s had a very lucky escape.”
Well I’m not used to animals living in my home, But I bought some food, a basket, A squeaky toy and bone. I let him run around a lot, And let him have some fun. I called him Little Flatty, And he was treated like my son.
But a dog becomes expensive. What they require does not come cheap, And I began to think of certain ways In which he could earn his keep.
Now I’m not an evil person; Though I’ll never be a saint. I like to bend the law a bit, But a dirty thief I ain’t.
But a dog like this, My unique pet, Whose shape defies convention, Must have certain uses For criminal intention.
And then it struck me clear as day; Yes, I’m as cunning as a fox; I could pick him up and push him through A house’s letterbox.
He could search around a victim’s home And bring out all the treasures And the dog and I could live our lives Surrounded by rich pleasures.
Training him was easy; He’s a gifted little beast. I thought he’d soon get bored of it But he didn’t mind the least.
He learnt to sniff out jewellery Diamonds, Silver, Gold. He could identify the valuable The rare, unique and old.
He learnt to unplug electricals Like computers and TV’s. We could even steal away a car Because he sought out any keys.
He was trained to open up the door Then I’d put stuff in a sack, And when I couldn’t carry more We’d start on heading back.
Soon we went on our first job To a lovely house in Kent. I put him through the letter box And watched as foraging he went.
Now Flatty had a dreadful vice And of this I didn’t know. That for a taste of lovely fizzy pop To any lengths he’d go!
As he reached the house’s kitchen, Upon the kitchen table, Was more fizzy pop than he could drink; More than he was able.
I don’t drink fizzy pop at home So Flatty didn’t want to miss a treat He climbed up on the table And opened a bottle with his feet.
Now something went incredibly wrong To my Flatty little mate. As he sipped his sparkling lemonade He started to inflate!
He expanded to his former size, To that before he had been flattened, And as I watched in utter disbelief He noticeably fattened.
“Stop your drinking stupid thing”, I shouted through the door. But he didn’t pay attention; He wasn’t Flatty anymore.
He grew and grew and grew and grew Until he touched the walls. He was trapped inside our burgling house Like a giant doggy ball.
I stared in utter horror. This dog continued to surprise. What could I do with a dog like this? A dog this shape and size?
Then I heard a whistling noise And I thought I should depart. But I was too late As the dog let rip A terrifying fart!
The noxious gas tore through the house And it scorched my handsome eyes. I was later told that miles away people heard my painful cries.
The fart had left me blinded. My eyes had burnt away It marked the end of burgling; But at least Flatty was OK.
Flatty returned, more or less, to normal doggy size. He’s as happy as can be. And now he earns his upkeep As the best Guide Dog to me.
The End
If you've got this far you might be interested to know I've set up a website for my poems www.randombeast.moonfruit.com - it's pretty stupid but worth a look if only to see my terrible artwork.
Flatty • Opuss № I