11. The Eleventh Fanfic

My head hurt. My eyes hurt. My chest hurt. My ribs hurt. My shoulders hurt.
Let's face it. I was hurt. It felt worse than a hangover. Because I think I knew, even then, that I'd never heal.
I was lying on my bed. Fully clothed. My friends were fast asleep. I glanced at the clock: 3.16am. That explained it.
I must have fallen asleep or cried myself unconscious in the corridor.
Oh Sev. I knew I'd hurt him and, to be honest, I had no idea how I'd ever fooled myself into believing I wouldn't. But he hurt me too. I put up with his disgusting deatheater friends. Why couldn't he put up with my arrogant toe rag ones?
I held our friendship bracelet like a safety blanket. We might not have had today but we certainly had memories.
'Lily?' I looked through the darkness to see Remus looking blearily at me. It seemed that I had unconsciously made my way down to the common room. He looked so tired.
'Hey Remus. You look terrible.'
He smiled, he looked old, like he'd seen too much for his age.
'Better than you I think.'
His words broke a dam within me and I flung myself at him, trapping him in a vicelike embrace, torrents of tears flooding down my cheeks.
'Oh Remus.'
He seemed a bit taken aback but he wrapped his arms around me all the same.
'Hey, what's wrong?' His voice was quiet and gentle.
'S-everus an' J-James-s' my words were incoherent but somehow he understood them anyway.
He tightened our hug. I needed that.
'I'm sorry. Don't let it get in the way of what you want though. Don't let him hurt you.'
I pulled away from him then. I didn't deserve his comfort. I hurt my best friend and that was inexcusable.
'No. It was me though. I betrayed him. We've been best friends for years. And I threw it away. For a boy. A stupid, arrogant, idiotic boy who we'd hated for years.' I was shouting, screaming at Remus now. He stared at me. Gobsmacked. Speechless.
I blinked, realising that I'd just ranted and screamed at one of the nicest people I'd ever met. I was an idiot.
'I'm sorry Remus. I just- I'm sorry.' at that I turned and fled back to my dormitory.
Why did I have to screw up so badly? I let my heart rule my head and look where it got me.
Well I wasn't going to go out with J-...
Potter. I wasn't going to go out with Potter.
Because it was wrong. And Severus was more important than my stupid love life.
I ripped a corner of parchment off my Defence Against the Dark Arts essay.
I scribbled a message. For Sev.

I'm sorry.
I know it's not enough but it's a start.
I wanted to let you know that I'm ditching Potter.
Because you were right and he's not worth losing you.
I'm sorry if you can't forgive me and if I were you I know I wouldn't.
But I miss Always.
Lily x

When I was done the writing was smudged and teardrops dotted the parchment. But I didn't care. In fact a small, despicable, selfish part of my brain wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me. No matter how unforgivable what I'd done was, I wanted him to know that his- perfectly reasonable- reaction had hurt me. I wanted him to feel guilty.
I thought it was probably best if he didn't forgive me. I didn't deserve him.
I flicked my wand at the parchment and watched it flutter gracefully out my window.
Luckily there was only a month or so left of school. Well that was a first. Looking forward to the holidays.
But who hadn't I hurt?
Severus, I'd betrayed him, abandoned everything we'd established.
James, I'd put him through years of cruel humiliation then I finally said yes, finally got his hopes up, only to bail on him at the last minute (I still had to do that though). He wasn't really that bad either.
Tuney. We were so close. We still would be if it wasn't for magic. And where had magic got me, really?
I guess I'd still got Melissa.
I gently shook her awake. She looked irritated at first but then she noticed my state and immediately pulled me into a hug.
'What's up? What's wrong?'
'Sev'
'Oh Lils. You know he's not worth it? If he can't put up with your slightly irritating and arrogant boyfriend when for years you've been putting up with his 'going to be murderers and psychopaths' friendS (as in plural) then he's not to be bothered with.'
'But he is worth it. And his friends are understandable. Potter isn't.'
I felt her flinch at the last name.
'Lily, no. You aren't going to-'
'I have to Liss. Sev was right and I don't deserve either of them.'
Melissa stood up at this and sat me down on the bed.
'Now see here, Lily Evans,' she sounded almost angry,'You are worthy of every boy in the school a million times over. If Snape can't see what he's throwing away then he's not worthy of your attention. James, on the other hand, knows exactly how amazing you are. And there is nothing anyone could do to make him leave you the way Snape did.'
Her words cut me but, no matter how hard I tried, I had to believe them.
'Lily, make the right choice. Please.' her voice was softer now but it resonated within my head more than anything else she'd said.
'I can't. I can't make the choice everyone wants me to. It'll just end in more tears. And I need Sev. I'm sorry.'
I think Melissa sensed the end of the conversation. That I'd made my choice.
'I'm sorry Liss.'
Later that day I sat in tears from hurting another boy. I was in the toilets. Somewhere neither boy nor any of their lackeys could find me.
Potter was necessary but-
Necessary. What a horrible word. It sucks all the emotion from everything it's applied to.
But the way he lit up when I waked in. The way he smiled, no beamed like he'd won the lottery. The way his face fell when my reaction was all wrong. The way he turned his head to hide his emotions from me.
Me. The bitch who broke his heart.
Love. Giving someone the power to hurt you but trusting that they won't.
Well I blew that didn't I?
I needed to give this up. I was going to avoid The Marauders as much as possible and also Sev. Hey, I might as well go the whole hog and avoid guys completely. And then other people. Hell, I should just hide in a forest in deepest Russia and become a hermit. Yeah, that sounded like the safest course of action.
I stayed there until the early hours of the morning. Everyone knew about me now and I didn't want to face anybody. My stomach was growling and I realised that I hadn't eaten a single thing all day. I knew I should probably go to the kitchens and eat something but somehow the discomfort of my empty stomach felt right, like I was punishing myself and fighting the rest of the world at the same time. Even though it also felt like the start of an eating disorder but who cared? Not me.
I managed to dodge the prefects thanks to my inside knowledge of the patrols, rota and my fellow prefects' weaknesses. It's weird that my brain was working so acutely despite my depression.
I wasn't quite sure how to wake the fat lay but I whispered
'Renervate'. It worked. I ignored her disgruntled complaints (I was feeling down enough already) and muttered the password.
I immediately stumbled back out of the portrait hole when I saw who was waiting for me but, lightning fast (if you could apparate within hogwarts I would have sworn he had), he was there and he grabbed my wrist to prevent my retreat.
'Why Lily? Is he really so great that you'd ignore what everyone's telling you and give up everything for him?'
'Get off me Potter' my use of his surname made him flinch which made my heart twist, 'I'm not doing anything just because it's what he wants. I'm doing it because it's right and I can't stand doing it all wrong and hurting everybody all the time.'
'And this isn't wrong? Lily look me in the eye and tell me you're not hurting right now. Tell me you think we're not right.'
'Potter, you aren't going to change my mind so leave me alone. You'll get over it.'
'Lily, you've been crying. I can tell and it's been all over the school.'
'What's it got to do with you? My life isn't particularly easy at the moment. Just get lost.'
It was killing me to say these things to him and I could feel my eyes prickling again. I had to get away from him.