27 September 2012
I claim this country to be mine, now that I've grown Yet I have no land nor do I own my council home
Where's the great gone in Great Britain?
I want to know what it's like to be king. So I'm going to rent a Big Yellow self storage unit to keep used possessions in. I have an appointment with a charity shop where I have an exclusive spending spree. I'm going to invest my life's savings on yesterday's 2nd hand fashion for a future when it's trendy, I'll store my hoard and sit upon an ikea throne that some bugger gave away for free. I'll then know what its like to be king as I will be the only one with a padlock and key.
Where's the great gone in Great Britain?
On the glass shelves I'll keep todays newspapers and glossy magazines. Which all have articles that inform me that their is enough money, food, clean water and land for everybody. I'll keep my Pudsey Bear teddy to remind me of the time when Children In Need begged for my money. Then I'll know what it's like to be king.
I'll pretend all is ok and ask the receptionist for my rent to be free. Cos now I'm a king and it should be his privilege to now see me. With the money I'll save I'll go on an exotic holiday where there is no poverty. And I'll know what it's like to be king thanks to some charity.
My glossy magazine has an offer of a around-the-world cruise that ends in the Bermuda Triangle. I have to collect every issues and send off a coupon to my storage companies biggest competitor so they can announce a great kings arrival. But I have one issue missing and the charity shop says they are expecting another big pile.
Where's the great gone in Great Britain?
Now the manager has put up a message venting his frustrations. The small print says Nintendo have been renting too many units and have now gone into administration. They've lost a government contract to buy up all of Sony's new 3D holographic Playstation's. He received the news today from Microsoft who has a skeleton key to every unit and they have my missing magazine in their possession. He says they want to blackmail me because they know the truth that I'm not a great king and it's all just false accusations.
Where's the great gone in Great Britain?
The council has closed down the local charity shop. They said the manager was a spy who had too many jobs. He worked for a storage unit at night to spy on royal knobs. By day he worked for Microsoft undercover as a charity worker to see what he could rob. Now I can't be king and I've lost the whole lot. Now I want to know where's the great gone in Great Britain, you greedy sods? Cos I need a holiday where I can mysteriously get lost!
Great King Britain • Opuss № I