24 April 2012
How to's:
How to tell if a video is worth watching: Is it targeted at specifically boys or specifically girls? No? It's worth watching.
How to tell if an insurance company is dodgy: Do they give a reason for not being on price comparison sites? No? Oh dear...
How to tell if you are someone I would respect: Something life threatening or emotionally incapacitating happens to you. Do you post it immediately to Facebook? No? Good.
How to tell if an advert might possibly maybe be a little bit untrustworthy: Is it promising you sex with impossibly proportioned local girls? Yes? Well what are you waiting for? Click it, obviously!
How to tell whether sarcasm has been used: Obviously is in some cases used as an ending tag.
How to detect pretentious people: Do they quote Shakespeare or Tolstoy more than twice a day? Yup, they're pretentious.
How to tell whether you're imaginative: Could you be bound within a nutshell and count yourself king of infinite space? (I'm sorry... I just had to)
How to make tea (V. Important): Boil some water. Put a teabag in a decently handled and sized mug. Pour this water to about 3/4 of the mug high. Mash the teabag with a spoon. Remove teabag. Add in 1/2 cm- 1cm of milk. Add 2-6 sugars. Stir rapidly. Drink. Swear loudly. Wait for it to cool and THEN drink fully. enjoy. Make more. Drink with toasted bagels. Feel complete.
NOW: how to make the perfect bagel: Cut a bagel in half. Toast for 1.75-2 mins. Take out very quickly. Cover with spread/butter. Spread some apple chutney on top. Fill with ham (hot/cold) and lettuce. Eat very quickly and immediately make another one. Do NOT wait so long that the butter melts fully into the bagel. About half way should do, so store it cold.
Stanley's little guide to life #2 • Opuss № I