supertecnoboff
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on." Them: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside."
There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
10 reasons why men are lazy: 1)...
Wind turbines. I'm a big fan.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship. Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her…
Wow the Olympics 2012 Opening Ceremony was amazing!!! Really enjoyed it :)
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my kettle.
Beyonce- who runs the world? Girls! Ah that's why all the major world leaders are women then.
What's the difference between the government and organised crime? One is organised.
If Alistair Darling wants to make some popular cuts, may I suggest his throat and wrists?
I'm voting 'yes' in the referendum on the alternative vote. And my second preference is 'no'.
I don't know why David Cameron is so set on raising student fees; the last thing he tried to raise died at age six.
Laptop Speakers: Too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
My son came home from school looking all excited. "I got a B on my reading test," he told me. "That's a fucking D," I replied.
Teenagers will be collecting their A-level results today, with pass rates in Maths expected to top 97%. The other 8% Failed
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still. "What are you doing?" "Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
Duct tape is silver... Silence is golden.
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
My girlfriend has just left me for a guy from Norfolk. She says he's better at foreplay. To be fair, I can't compete, he has 8 fingers on each hand.
Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the fucker up.
Husband and wife... BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Don't even think about it. Wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! Wif…
This joke is like a rapist. It's going to score whether you like it or not.
Note to self: ♪ Lol :)
My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart - I couldn't believe she would stoop so low.
You know when you go on a economy class flight by yourself to some where like America and you happen to be sitting between two fat people? My advice would be to eat all the food possible, just so you can get a bit more seat space.
A manual for a touchscreen device simply consists of saying: "Finger Tips".
My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Tea is for mugs.
Radio 1 have announced they are trying out a new format on their breakfast show from September. They're actually going to play some music.
After years of research, Irish scientists have announced why the dinosaurs went extinct. It's because they all died.
Apparently 5/3rds of people are shit at fractions.
Knock knock ...... Who's there ? ...... David ...... David Who ? ...... Gordon open the fucking door and get out of my house.
David Cameron on Facebook: "We're announcing drastic cuts to the welfare state". Margaret Thatcher likes this.
Grey, White, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, Medium Gray, Dark Medium Gray, Light Medium Grey, Dim Grey, Dark Grey, Davy's Grey, Ash Grey, Fag Ash Grey, Battleship Grey, Gainsboro, Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Light Charcoal, Warm Grey, Cool Grey…
The short-sighted English teacher calls out,"You there at the back! Recite the poem I asked you all to learn!" "I can't do that." "May I ask what you were doing last night?" says the teacher. "I drank a few pints with my mates, played so…
If you ever buy a large TV, remember to put the box in your neighbour's dustbin... So they get robbed and not you.
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
When two big fat people come and sit right next to you and you can't move. It's so frustrating!!! Or on the plane. If you fly economy never fly on your own. Fly with a friend. An if your flying to America always get the first class seats.
If your trying to move on from something bad which happened in your life then it's best to get rid of any of your positions which might remind you of the glumly past. Believe me, I have tried this and it does help.
When Derek was asked whether or not he had any issues which would stop him becoming a pilot he said: "Fear or Flying".
I suffer from Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Fear or long words :D
There's a difference between 'reducing' and 'not giving'. When Amazon UK were interrogated about there tax pay out, it was found out that they managed to reduce it slightly from £35 Million to about... £0. Lol :D
I'm not weird, I'm imagining and being more creative than the average joe.
I'm not stupid, I'm special.
It's funny but you can make yourself look super SMART in front of someone else by knowing just a ting but more about a certain topic or subject than they know. All you need is one nugget of information :D
If you believe in the idea of being "cool" then try this: Wear a really smart an stylish suit (undo the top two buttons - and don't wear a tie), put some sunglasses on and walk into a bar at around 9PM. Them try and chat up anyone you fancy…
Nobody is stupid. It's just what we know and our attitude to learning new things which separates us and makes some people look more clever than others.
We all know cats have 9 lives. They spend their first 8 lives sitting around doing nothing and on their last life they start to panic and get a move for once in their lives.
These days people thinking of socialising as going on Facebook and commenting on each others status updates. But for those of you who have a life, you'll know that as good as Facebook is, there's a lot more to socialising than siting behind…
If you don't like your job you DON'T quit your job. No, instead you go in everyday and do a very half assed job. - Homer Simpson
Before you criticise other people for doing something wrong, why don't you have a go at it yourself. You may start to understand why actions speak louder than words.
It's funny but only now people have just caught onto the idea of a pattern which is "emerging". UK, USA, Israel. Some Jews, a lot of Jews, ALL Jews. These are powerful people who have control over vast amounts of money and military power.
Oh what a beautiful day. Plenty of sun and then all of a sudden someone has to ruin it by being a complete d*ckhead. I wish some people could be less annoying.
An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.
Driving like an asshole only ever impresses other assholes.
- Morning World! - #FF @username is awesome Driving like an asshole only ever impresses other assholes. #Asshole - Why is #name trending again? - #ThingsPeopleNeedToStopDoing Taking ...those lame photos of themselves in front of the mirror…
We all make mistakes from time to time. Normal people will learn from their own mistakes, clever people will learn from their own mistakes and mistakes other people have made. Observe and try your best not to repeat another persons mistake,…
For those of you interested in learning about how to make an app, you need to check out my YouTube channel. It has a rich library of easy to follow Xcode tutorials which help you learn app development. youtube.com/supertecnoboff
Do you sometimes wish you were a bit taller or better looking? Do you worry about the fact that your not "cool" or not seen as a well respected person? Well in life these kinds of problems are very minor. We have to learn to live with what…
Stay foolish, Stay hungry.
If you moan a lot or criticise other people a lot, take a step back and think about yourself. Get your own life in order before you criticise or constantly moan about other people.
People always go on about how hard it is to make chocolate cake. But to be honest it is really really easy. All you need is some sugar, chocolate powder, milk, baking powder, 2 eggs and a spoon. Add one median sized cup of milk, 2 eggs, 1…