Confessions

Today I asked you a question that I'm surprised I hadn't asked before.
I had a right to know the answer, but the answer also ended up being something I really really didn't want to hear...

I'm trying to be mature and understanding about it.
I'm not angry.
Although, I do wish you'd told me sooner because I had already made my assumptions.
I'm not angry at you for not telling me though because I can understand it isn't an easy thing to say and I can see it must've been hard to find the opportunity to bring it up.
But I feel slightly shaken now.
How could I have been so naive?
I just assumed. I didn't want it to be true. In some ways I blinded myself and convinced myself that I didn't think you were capable of doing that.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't think less of you.

But I don't know how to feel either.
I shouldn't be upset really.
It's quite normal I guess.
Hardly unexpected.

I am upset though.
I'm disappointed.
It ruins it for me.
The little fairytale I had envisioned in my head has been tainted.
Fairytales never mention these tiny little flaws.
They are so simple, happy and pure.
Prince Charming isn't supposed to have made these mistakes.
But Prince Charming is human; so his flaws are part of what make him who he is.
I wouldn't change anything about you.
You're perfect for me.
I'm definite about that.

I know you will hate to know this, but the truth is she will always haunt me a little.
I worry that she'll be in the back of my mind each time we reach a milestone in our relationship.
Up until we reach two years anyway because then at least I can say I've bypassed her in one respect.
I never imagined myself to be like this though. It annoys me that I let your past relationship bother me so much. I wasn't like this before.
Naturally, I always had small insecurities in my mind, but now I feel that they're amplified...
Was it like this with her?
Was it better?
Is she a nicer person than me? A better kisser? Prettier? Skinnier? Smarter? Funnier?
They're questions I want to ask but don't want to know the answers to (unless it's no). But the curiosity kills me too.
I want to know, even though the truth might crush me.

It's not something you can change and you shouldn't feel guilty that I feel like this.
It's just how I am.
I know I'll get over it in a few days, but I'm irritated at myself for taking so long to get over it at the same time.

It's sad for me that I'm not the first..for anything.
But you are.
I feel slightly cheated.
Like what was the point for me?
But I also feel proud that I didn't give in before now, when it matters.
Luck did play it's part; God changed the circumstances around and I was influenced by a lot of good examples.

I'm still sad though.
And I'm angry at myself for being so affected by this...

So immature.
So naive.
So innocent.
I'm so clueless about everything.

I don't hate you for it.
How could I ever?
I still love you the same.
Nothing has changed between us.

But I am upset....