1 August 2012
BANANA WEDGIE
On Saturday at precisely 9:05pm an elderly man who goes by the name of Jimmy Electron was the victim of a terrible crime.
A banana peel, strategically placed to cause unwary pedestrians to slip and fall flat on their faces, caused Jimmy to fall down. It was then that the culprit assaulted Jimmy, giving him a super wedgie that the doctors say he'll never recover from. The villain then took off. Fleeing the scene with no witnesses except for the man who lay prone on the ground. The villain took nothing from Jimmy so the police can only think that this was a man with a terrible thirst for wedgies, who preys upon the weak.
We managed to have a word with Jimmy and this is what he had to say: "If hadnt been dizzy from the roller coaster I had just been on then I wouldnt have been caught out. I remember one thing though and that is that the man had shoes of a clown. Huge shoes that were bright orange-"
Jimmy then passed out under the morphine he was taking to ease his wedgie pains, which the doctors say will never leave him.
We then spoke to the police, who have few ideas, the villain left one thing at the scene though, a pair of goggles. And so the police have been staking out local swimming pools. Searching for the man with the huge feet.
If you ever come across banana, or any other fruit in the street, immediately call 07325894147 and a specially trained police squad shall head your way. They arrive on average in 45 minutes so you know, bring a book or something.
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MONOCLED MAGPIE
Magpie Magazine recently sold a monocle, worn famously by the magpie on the cover of Magpie Fashion Magazine for £400000 at an ebay auction and they gave that money to a charity that made sure that orphans get 5% off the £10 monthly edition of Magpie Magazine. We tried to contact her at her holiday home in the Carribean but were unable to reach her. However , many have come forward to praise the company for their charity work and are now calling for Magpie Magazine founder Marge Magpie to be gifted a Nobel Prize. Will she recieve one? Who knows, only time will tell. For at the moment, she can do no wrong!
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DONCASTER DISASTER
The head of two charities, Fulvias Childrens Hospice and Fulvias Animal Welfare, Fulvia Strawberry has been critisised for taking her family to Doncaster Caravan Park for a family holiday. With critics calling for her to step down as she is clearly spending charity money for her own personal gain. We tried to get a word from her yesterday at the tent in which she lives but she was unable to talk to us as she needed to catch the bus to get to her Greenpeace sitin. Will she ever be able to face up to her critics, who have dubbed her Scumbag Stawberry? And now the charities which were already suffering financial difficulties, are under serious threat. If only they had a Magpie Monocle to sell... •••••••••••••••••••••••• 2FOR1 VOUCHER ON HOTDOGS AT GANGSTA PIGEONS HOTDOGS!
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