25 July 2012
(I made this last year in work after seeing a slightly crazy guy come in with an epic moustache one day, it's a little gory, but the others should be safe!)
The epic adventures of Cliffy B
Sat high above the city, on top of the empire state building perched on a gargoyle. Cliffy surveyed the city below him with his steely gaze, and stroked his epic moustache. Using his super vision, he realised that danger was afoot. Faster than a speeding bullet, cliffy jumped from the roof, plummeting towards the ground. Then at the last second, he lifted his body up and landed on his feet. Running around the corner, he saw a poor girl, with a broken ankle crying on the floor, and a balaclava wearing mugger trying to make a hasty escape. Scum!! thought cliffy as he took chase.
Grabbing his trademark weapon, the 5 inch grinder, cliffy lasso'd the mugger around the throat and pulled him close. Holding the grinder against his neck, cliffy whispered in his gruff voice, 'fuck you scum' and powered the grinder on
You could hear the scream from the other side of new York. It was that loud, spidermans spidersense went batshit crazy, and even over in Gotham city, the guttural shriek chilled Bruce Wayne to the very bone.
This wasn't just new york anymore. Cliffy ran the city now. He and his epic moustache, fighting for neither good or evil, just doing what they want whenever they please.
Cliffy held one secret... He didn't used to be a super. He used to be cliff jones, pipefitting extraordinaire , but one day, when Billy breen, his supervisor was kicking off a bit, and cliffs face had gotten a little hairy, he realised. The moustache granted him the superpowers of every comic book you have ever read. If anybody ever wanted to bring him down, all they would need is a gillette razor and some aftershave. Until that day, cliffy knew it was destiny to wear that tight ball hugging Lycra costume and terrorise the city that used to terrorise him.
A few weeks later, cliffy woke up angry and hungry. He rang a pizza company. 30 minutes passed, and young davey the pizza delivery boy walked up the stairs to apartment 1314, and gently knocked on the door. It seemed like slow motion to him, as the door bulged towards his face, and wood chippings sprayed over him. Daveys cheekbone caved in as cliffys huge fist crushed it against the door frame repeatedly. The young pizza boy lay there covered in his own blood and brain, as cliffy bent down, picked up the pizza and ate it within one bite. Then he threw $5 dollars to the nearly decapitated corpse on the floor and fled the building.
Cliffy was in a mood for bloodshed today. He walked down the street, randomly punching young children in the guts, then when they started crying for there dads, he made them cry too.... By force-feeding them his 24inch diameter fist. He made his way to the bank of new York and kicked the door open. People screamed and started to run as the sun twinkled on cliffs beautiful moustache, as blood started to spill all over the banks marble floor. Looking down at his rampage, a tear came to cliffys eye and a strange feeling in the very pit of his stomach. As staff behind bulletproof safety glass desperately clawed at the silent alarms, a small young boy cowered against a nearby pillar. Cliffy looked him in the eye, the strange burning in his stomach still aching. The boy glanced at the luscious moustache and felt safe. He could sense the feeling in cliffys stomach too. He knew he would survive.
A loud fart echoed through the room. Cliffy laughed, it wasn't guilt, it was just wind from undercooked pizza earlier. How dare a food company rip him off he thought, as he tore the small child clean in half as revenge.
Rampaging through the bank, cliffy pulled the safe doors open and felt the gold light inside burning against his face. He was going to rob this bank and kill anybody who tried to stop him with his custom 5 inch grinder.
"take another step, and it'll be your last!"
'cliffys moustache raised a little and he quickly spun around. It couldnt be. The once legendary superhero breeny was back again. Ever since there first battle years before, where cliffys superpowers came to him, they felt a burning hatred for each other. They constantly fought each other for many years, until that fateful day when the mayor of new York asked breeny to work the night shift. Then due to unforeseen circumstances involving fences and rain, Breeny was stripped of his superhero duties, and sent to derby.
But now he was back. In his vest. About to stop the number one criminal mastermind / crazy nutter this side of Brooklyn.
Breeny took 2 chainsaws out of his vest and started swinging them wildly. Cliffy grabbed the special heavy weaponry 7 inch out of his rucksack and blocked the chainsaws and then swiped at breenys legs, Clipping them slightly. This just pissed off Breeny who with fire in his eyes, and anger in his heart threw cliffy against a wall. The foundations of the bank were rocked from this rough battle of the titans.
After a tense few minutes of fighting, breeny grabbed the only thing that could beat the horrific moustachioed beast. A roll of gaffer tape.
Sticking the roll on cliffys face, he knew he had won. Mustering all his strength, breeny pulled the tape away leaving cliffy moustacheless and powerless.
The police rushed in and threw handcuffs on cliffy. No longer was he the hulk like force of destruction, he was now under the control of the NYPD special unit, who over the next few years would subject him to brutal tests to work out what breeny already knew... The power an epic moustache could bring a man.
High on a wave of victory, breeny walked home, knowing for certain that his long time adversary was safely behind bars. Good had triumphed over evil once more.
As the sun slowly set over the city, breeny was back working as a superhero, again... For the second time... Somehow...
The end!!
Cliffy 1 • Opuss № I