Square One

I am back to Square One.

Square One is the sad, lonesome square that prompted me to join OkCupid in a desperate attempt to progress to Square Two.

What are these "Squares" you speak of, Victoria?

Well, my lovely Opussian friends, they are social squares that I just made up as I'm sitting here in the 3+ hour car ride, squinting from the glaring sun.

But anyway, my former love, whatshisface, is out of love with me because he has figured out that a long distance relationship isn't what he wants, what he never wanted, and thus he has moved on, rendering both of us back to Square One. He's back on the prowl 24/7 in an attempt to get the hell out and I, on the other hand, am going through tides of pining for him and being happy.

I need to get the hell out of Square One.

I've been thinking this weekend about what I want and how I should go about getting it.

I want a relationship.

I've never been in one, mostly because I think the greater power has conspired against me meeting someone who wants and CAN be with me. (whatshisface would've been with me if it were not for the distance).

But also, I've never actually looked for a relationship. I've had flings but none of them came close to becoming a relationship, with the exception of whatshisface.

I want to be with someone.

But I am not very good at meeting people because I'm shy and because I don't leave my house very often anymore.

But even if I did leave my house and was surrounded by boys or girls, I would be too terrified to approach them and if they approached me...I don't know. I get so nervous. I make a fool of myself.

I think if I had met whatshisface in the street or...in person, we never would've hit it off. Talking isn't my forte, I prefer writing. Because messaging is writing, I was able to communicate much easier and without feeling so nervous, and he was able to see who I am and take a liking to me.

I was thinking that the best way for me to branch out a bit would be to get a job. I've had jobs in the past, but they were independent jobs. I didn't have coworkers.

I want a job where I'll have coworkers and customers. This way, I can talk with potentially attractive coworkers more comfortably because we will be discussing work or something, and then I'll also be interacting with potentially attractive customers with ease because I'll be helping them with what they need. I won't have to struggle making conversation because a conversation will already be in place. Because of my job.

The problem I'm having now is deciding what jobs to apply for. And then seeing what jobs would hire 17 year old girls.