29 May 2012
After years of experimentation, countless late nights and oodles of coffee, I have finally perfected and constructed my very own Improvised Explosive Device.
I started with a simple brief;
It should be non lethal.
All components should be totally bio degradable.
It should pose zero harm to all exposed to its effects.
So here in brief is an account of its first public trial.
It had to be a crowded place, and further, the device should achieve detonation via a simple pressure switch concealed cleverly beneath a discarded crisp packet.
I decided on the main street in Kendal, Cumbria. And, for convenience sake, late one night I set the contraption up outside the busy thoroughfare outside the Post Office.
Setting up was hindered somewhat by the fact that I was constantly observed by an extremely competent member of the local Police, who, after listening to my account of the trial, promptly arrested me and hurled me into a cell. A "Nutter", how dare he.
No matter, thought I. The greatest inventions that have benefitted mankind were all initially ridiculed to the point of sacrifice.
After paying my fine of Fourteen Shillings and Threepence, I decided it best that I perform my devices first full test in my shed. The benefits of such a test would be many, but primarily it meant I stood a fair chance of completing my research in total privacy, and further I should avoid having my collar felt once again (a thoroughly unpleasant and discouraging experience).
I began my assembly of the various components whilst having breakfast, a pot of tea and two marmalade sandwiches. It left my fingers sticky, and several intricate components became stuck together - but no matter. This will be my crowning achievement and governments the world over will clamour at my door for the devices patents.
At last all was ready.
The pressure plate was readied, and I laid the switch just outside the back door with the crisp packet just covering it.
Clever, I thought.
The wiring led from the switch, along the grass and into the shed. With a flash of sheer brilliance, it dawned on me that the wiring was clearly visible in the morning sun.
I also noticed my cat, Tiddles, following it and heading ominously towards the crisp packet.
Paw followed paw, "Oh by all that's Sacred", I thought, but alas was too late. With a certainty that I have rarely observed outside the day/night cycle, Tiddles, in all her feline grace and beauty, stepped onto the switch.
Analytical, if nothing else I am that. And looking back I can see that my Device, though well conceived, was intrinsically flawed.
Tiddles stepped gracefully onto the crisp packet, and thus a series of events took place that culminated in me being buried to the neck in CoCo pops, for it was indeed that very same cereal I had used instead of explosive.
My shed collapsed around me and even seconds afterwards, minute pieces of marmalade sandwich fell like rain. Further covering myself, and my poor Tiddles who it has to be said, refuses to enter the garden even now.
My IED • Opuss № I