2 August 2012
Scene: (Live) Parkland close to Olympic Venue.
Presenter: At ground level surrounded by baying mob.
In Ear Coms: Okay we're live to the nation in....3....2....1 and GO.
Presenter (bedraggled and desperately trying to appear calm as the baying crowd crush into shot from all sides):
"And hello and welcome to our live coverage from the Olympic Venue as we report....
In Ear Com: Hurry it up now.
The Crowd: BORIS....BORIS
Presenter: (Being shoved by a drunken lout): live as London Mayor Boris Johnson dangles helpless some 20 metres above my head.
Camera cuts to Boris dangling from zip wire, frantically trying to appear calm despite being bathed in sweat.
Boris (Shouting and swaying in the breeze): "This a truly momentous occasion (waves Union Jack in a bid to appear in control as more sweat pours from him), Thanks to our policies for a fairer and greener London (sways precariously as the zip wire suddenly shoots forward 3 feet), I can today announce that our bike lanes will (zip line creaks ominously and Boris's voice sounds cracked and faltering), remain, gulp, open to................
Boris's voice is suddenly drowned by a Loudspeaker Announcement......
Loudspeaker : (Excitedly) And we can just announce that Bradley Wiggins has taken Gold in his event.
The Crowd (Infused with drink and emotion): "Wiggo.......Wiggo"
Tv Announcer (Now very bedraggled, and missing his tie): Well I'm sure you all heard that fantastic announcement (gets pushed over by another drunken lout)....(scuffle ensues).
In Ear Com: CUT.
Scene Shifts to Outside Broadcast Team 3.
Location: 10 Downing Street. PM in shot.
Announcer: And now live to Number Ten for an important announcement.
Cameron (Looking smug, and sporting stick-on fake sideburns in a vain attempt to appear cool and "with it"): Hello and may I say how pleased I am to announce to you all, that British Scientists have at last discovered the famed Higgins Bradley Particle, and that from now on everything's going to be okay"
Camera cuts to drunken mob outside Downing Street Gates, police successfully open the gates and a terrified George Osbourne gets bundled from his car. He approaches PM as though nothing is untoward: smiles sinisterly.
Osbourne (Also sporting Fake Sideburns and curiously, bike clips around his ankles. His trousers are clumsily folded into the clips). Smiles to Cameron, then live to Camera: The Economy has today been bolstered by the news of the Wiggins Bradley Particle, and I am pleased to announce that I am now richer than I was yesterday.
Announcer: And now back to our afternoon schedule, which features the Queen abseiling down from atop The Shard.
END OF BROADCAST.
and way to go B. W.
Opuss Olympic Special • Opuss № I