19 April 2012
I heard this one ages ago. It was funny then but has time eroded its appeal?
Eons ago, when Man first climbed down from the trees and began walking upright, it soon became apparent that he was to become top of the food chain. Now, as is the way of things, when Mans' brain first cottoned on to this revelation it became quite pleased with itself - after all, whosoever ruled Man, by default, would thus rule the world.
As time passed, Mans brain became quite smug and haughty, and Mans other body parts, as is also the case, grew exponentially rather jealous of brains new found position as Mans ruler.
"After all" proclaimed Brain; "If man rules over all, and I control Man, then by default I rule the World"
"Utter rubbish", said Mans Eyes, "Without my ability to see the outside world, all your thinking powers are as nothing - therefore it is I who should rule".
On hearing this, Mans Arms joined the argument;
"Quiet the pair of you, without my dexterity in both fight and defence you both are lost - I therefore proclaim myself Ruler".
And even Mans Legs had something to say;
"Rubbish, it is self evident that Man would still be swinging through the treetops were it not for me. How can all of your Properties compare with mine! Without me Man could be severely at a disadvantage when it came to hunting food and disposing of his enemies. I should be ruler".
And on it went for months. All of Mans major limbs and wits bickered endlessly and Man could find no peace. And then, a small voice managed to make itself heard above the shouting;
"I can best you all"
"What?" cried the brain, "Speak up Sir, identify yourself".
"I am Mans Arse, and I would like very much to be considered for the position of Boss of Man".
You couldn't move for the laughter and cries of derision. Eventually, when the commotion had ended, the brain announced that he had formulated a plan;
"We shall contest the position, we shall take it in turn to cease our functions for one week apiece, then a vote shall be made".
Everyone agreed that this seemed a fair way to solve the problem, and so, one week later the Brain announced;
"Henceforth, for one week and beginning at the end of this announcement I shall cease my functions - then lets see how you lot get on".
So the Brain stopped, and for one week Man went on with his life unthinking, but still he survived by eating nuts and berries and sleeping in his cave. He even found a mate (though it has to be said, she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box). After one week, Brain resumed his function, and was alarmed to see that the detriment in his absence had been minimal.
Then Mans Arms and Legs each took their turn at stopping function, but it seemed that even without them, Man prospered.
"Right", said the Arse, "My Turn". And the Arse immediately stopped working. And all mans other parts laughed at the prospect.
However, after two days, Man began to feel very uncomfortable and quite out of sorts. After three days, Mans Brain became confused as it had no way of ridding the body of waste matter. After four days Man could not sleep properly and became quite ill. After five days Man could not think clearly, and began sweating and cursing. After six days man became extremely agitated and could find no sleep nor eat no food.
On the seventh day Man became violently ill, and drifted in and out of consciousness. His breath became irregular and he suffered violent vomitting. At last, on the eighth day, Mans Arse resumed working, and Man then slept for two days.
So it was decided that Mans Arse became Ruler of Man, and thus, the world.
And here the tale ends, and from that day until this, the boss in any situation would always turn out to be the Arsehole.
The Boss • Opuss № I