Where Do I Stand?

I miss you somehow. and I want to tell you so but you would feel weirded out.
and if things snowballed from there, I fear I would lose you.

I read that tweet about guys asking for your numbers and such. I'm happy for you, though you have always been that beautiful for me. I can't help but to feel jealous though. it seems that those guys stand a better chance than I do. because I was, and still am I think, the guy whom you hang out with. that was what you said. and that hurts. am I really restricted to just that? is my role in your life defined to such an extent that you won't accept changes?

I want to make you happy. I really do. I'd do anything for it. I wish I am the cause of your happiness. I love making you smile and laugh.
but, I can't say it doesn't hurt when someone else is getting that attention from you. I feel it sometimes and I'd have to reel it in.

I see you 'online' on whatsapp sometimes and I can't help but to think if those guys are receiving replies from you. flirting and stuff. I'd over-think it and feel like texting you as well. but, sigh, the whole 'what if she gets weirded out' scene plays again.

I wish I had made an impression on you. I wish I did.

have you never thought of me as more than just friends?

I wonder sometimes what impresses you. those texts that those guys sent, do they say certain stuff that makes you tingle? or they way they flirt and stuff. I'm never like that; I don't think I will ever be. I'm just me. I don't like playing games when it comes to affairs of the heart. why can't it be simple? I like you. do you like me? if you do, then let's go out. let's see if you like me more then.

but it's never going to happen with you, is it?

I used to send you home after going out with you. I always do. but then, one day, you decided that I need not. that hurts. I didn't know what to do. I know you don't need me to send you home, but I want to. and it hurts that you pushed me away. I didn't know how to react to that; should I press on (because you want to test me)? or should I follow your request?

then the day came when you knew I had a secret. a past I didn't want people to know. something which only pen knew. and when I told you that you would look at me differently, you assumed it was because of you. the thing is though, you were disturbed; you weren't pleased about it.

and that hurts too. a lot.

I wonder…maybe it's my looks. I concede I don't make girls' hearts flutter. if I could change the way I look, I would do so for you. or maybe it's my height. biceps? I do wonder sometimes.

I went to Facebook, saw that you had a new photo update. there were several under the album name 'Print Screen.'
the caption for the second photo hit hard. you were advertising me for other girls. you showed me where I stood in your heart.

"six months. that's how long a girl would need to get over someone." you said this once. I feel like calling and talking to you. to let you know that I'm there. to know that I exist, that I care. that I can be more than just your friend. but because of what you said, I'd stop myself.
recently though, you've left me confused. have you gotten over him? do you want to get back together?
I'm scared that I will lose my chance, if I even had any.

I hope you know I like you. (and that you would come to like me too.)

is it my fate to know you, grow to like you more and more everyday, only to not be with you? is fate so cruel to me?
you once told me that one has to fight for his love.

but what if you wouldn't like me to fight for you? what do I do then? leave it to fate?

I feel an affinity with you that I do not with any other. whenever I see you, I feel like pampering you. I love talking to you, looking into your eyes, gazing at your lips parting for words to come through. it's a beautiful sight.
and then, I will feel this strong urge to caress your face and have you lie down on my shoulders.

fate. is this mine?

you made my day once. you wished me goodnight without me texting you for a few hours. it's like you just texted me out of the blue to wish me. I slept that night, comforted by that fact. I smiled to myself that night (:

I need to stop this, right? I shouldn't harp on things that I wouldn't get; and not only will I not be with you, I'd probably lose you as well. if things were going somewhere, I'd probably feel the vibe from you by now. no?