Broken. .

Broken people don't often realise how broken they are. . iMean we put on this facade of how strong we are & end up believing that we're strong and not broken. .

See I've lived a broken life for years. . What do iMean by broken? Emotional illiteracy caused by one tiny event in my past. For a while iWas happy with the way my life was. . Till on Thursday last week. . Someone said something which left me reflecting and in tears.

I'd managed to convince myself that I was happy as I Was. .That men can be disposable toys & all that emotional attachment stuff wasn't for me. .

But who was iFooling. . I'm human! iStarted reflecting and realising that I've walked away too easily from every relationship I've ever had. . iRan at the first sign of trouble. . and yet here I am hoping that I'll meet someone who iCan tolerate eventually. . iMean there are people in my past who I'm glad iWalked away from but there are also people who iShouldn't of walked away from. .

So iHad to sit down and think. . Why? Why am iSo broken and whys my body so disconnected from my emotions. .

I took myself back to 7 years ago. . When iExperienced probably my first love or infatuation whatever it was that was 7 years ago. iWas infatuated with someone who saw me as nothing but an object & iDid all iCould to fix something which wasn't even meant to be fixed. . It wasn't broken it was presenting itself in its purest form but iWas clouded by what iFelt so iTried and tried to make it work. . iFailed. . He hurt me. .iMoved on about 6months later. . Got into something more intense. . . This time the love was there but it got too complicated. . iWalked away. . I'm grateful to the heavens that iDid now BUT at that time iWasn't. iFelt hurt & disrespected. . iContemplated suicide. . iGot addicted to sleeping pills & suffered quietly. . Eventually iCame out of this. . But this time my approach was different.

iTurned cold. . iShut out my emotions & became this way I am today. . Since then I've met some great men in my life but see when you're broken you push away the good things you're supposed to keep.

God knows my intentions were never to hurt anyone. . But iDid. . iHurt a lot of people & guess who iHurt most?? Me. . .

Listen never let your past be the reason why you alter yourself negatively. . iDid it & iCan tell you that road leads to loneliness.
Yesterday iMade a choice. . iDecided to face the weight I'd hidden for years. . Weights which were relationship barriers. . I'm tired of walking away, I'm tired of running. . . Im tired of walking alone. Yes iKnow iLet my past experiences damage me. . I've failed myself and this won't stop until iStop. . So I'm choosing to stop this all.

iWant to put an end to my cruel past and bury a lot of negative emotions and mentalities which I've let hibernate inside me. . I need to start believing that yes iToo can be happy. .regardless of what has happened in the past.

So this blog is just a personal reminder to myself. . I'm tired of living a broken life and appearing whole. . I'm shutting down each and every negative voice or force from my past!!! That chapter is done. . I'll pursue happiness from now, I'll bring my guards down if iGet hurt I'll turn even more warmer not colder! I'm ready to change. . I want to change. . I will change.