I Won't Sleep Tonight

Tomorrow. He is unexpectedly having to visit again, to pick up some documents for the charity work before he ships out to Nepal. And he has changed his mind, he wants to see me, though I've had to promise not to cry. I'll save that for after he has gone. But I get to see him, hold him, once more before he's out of the country for nine months. He said he's not sure it's a good idea still, and he's probably right. It was hard enough saying goodbye before. But I can't resist it, the pull of him is like an inescapable magnetism and my heart is made of rusted iron. I know I would come to regret it later if I didn't take this crushingly painful opportunity.

I feel sick, giddy almost at the prospect. It's been over a month since I last smelled his cologne, looked into those green eyes, trailed a hand casually, yet with an obvious longing, along his firm thigh. What do I wear? How do I stop myself from gushing like an over-emotional retard? I need to just...be cool. I know nothing will change no matter how I beg - he is going and that's that. But I feel like this, our real goodbye, could make a difference to what happens when he comes back. Because I want him in my life, I've never wanted anything more. I'm addicted to him and I don't want to quit, ever, no matter the side effects. And I want him to know just how serious I am about that, but without making him feel trapped or scared or whatever else he will come up with to excuse him from committing to me.

I'm not sure what time our meeting will be yet, or where, or for how long. It all depends on him, like always. It might only be a couple of hours but I swear, I'm going to use them to take mental photographs of his eyes, his contagious smile, the way his hair falls, every laughter line, the shape of his body, the sound of his gruff-rough voice. I'm going to wrap my mind around him and taste every inch of his being. Because I don't want to forget, I don't want the months to pass and to struggle to remember how his eyes sparkle and the way his fingers feel on my skin.

I won't sleep tonight.