Can I Kiss You Now?

“Can I kiss you now?”

She said it playfully but I knew there was more to it. The seconds seemed to stretch on as my brain went into overdrive. We were so close. I had been at her house all day, in her room, watching her Glee DVDs. Hugging. Cheek kissing. Lying beside one another. I knew she liked me, I'd known for four months. She knows I know. What she doesn't know is that in those last four months I'd been battling with whether I liked her back or not.

But I do. Now I know I do and I can't hide that.

I'm sat on her bed with an awkward grin plastered to my face. She's lying down on the bed, across my legs, propping her upper torso up by her arm. Our faces are almost level with each other, both grinning, her half expecting an answer but not the one I give.

“If you want,” I say in the most casual way possible. I'm chuckling but I don't know why, or how to stop. Her eyes widen.

“WO!” she says, awkwardly laughing as well, genuinely surprised. This just makes me laugh more. She utters a few more words of incomprehension which become lost to me as I try to stop laughing so hard, and take in what's happening.

She attempts to lean in but falls back, laughing. I can't take my eyes off hers. “I can't!” she says, as though I wasn't giving permission but rather daring her. But it wasn't a dare. I was serious, despite the grin on my face as I look at her.

Then everything went quiet. Dark.

Beautiful.

It was only a few seconds. If that. It didn't feel any longer, like it's always described to feel. I knew it was short. But it set my heart racing, my brain into paralyse and made my chest constrict. All my senses shut down and all I could feel was my heart and its ache. An ache I'd never felt before, an ache only for her. It's called love, right? This lump in my throat and yearn in my chest? Does love make your heart expand? It does for me.

My first kiss. It was nothing like I'd imagined. It was beautiful. It lasted a few seconds, but it had the impact of a few years.

Then it was over. I opened my eyes. I may have given a weak smile, or tried to, but I was too numb to tell. My eyes were wide, but not intentionally. I was shaking slightly.

“And now you've been kissed,” I heard her say. I lifted my gaze and met hers, heart thumping. It was engulfing me, filling up my whole chest. “by a gir—”

I had shot forward and pressed my lips to hers. A few more seconds. A few more seconds of nothing but this feeling, this love, this sensation that completely stole over me and made me so vunerable. I can't describe it. It's not the happiness you get normally, or the sadness. It's in the middle, but it's so brilliant. It's in the middle, but definately positive.

I pulled away and looked into her eyes, feeling slightly embarrassed but not really caring. I couldn't speak. I was in a daze for what happened after. I was still trembling. I remember she asked about earphones and when I tried to reply I realised I couldn't talk properly. I tried to string a sentence together but all that came out was stammering. I was never lost for words like that before.

But I guess that's just love's effect.