Freedom and my love of appreciating the little things! One woman’s crazy ramble!!!

As I walk down the street, the air is fresh and windy. My hair is blowing about in the strong breeze, but I am happy. The sun is shining brightly through a few fat, fluffy clouds and, although it could threaten rain, I know it won’t. I just know it won’t.

My smile is wide, my hair is red. My lips are almost orange! And this all works well, I feel, (if a little too colourful for some...), with my bright blue eyes. For once, I am happy this morning; I am not too shabby, if a little... eclectic.

Then, at once, I feel just a little big-headed: vain! Perhaps my emotions shouldn’t be so affected by my image, or what I feel about my image? Perhaps that shouldn’t matter? But it does. So there it is, and that’s that.

As I march on, my head low against the gusts, hands in pockets, I feel free. I do not often have this feeling - maybe once a fortnight, once a week at best, but then... then I realise that this is quite a privilege. I realise that, it’s all relative really: many people would think me mad to say that I do not feel free always, but there are many who never get to feel this way. And, as much as I would like a little more of this kind of day, I also feel eternally grateful for all that I have and all that I am.

It’s not perfect, but I suppose nobody’s life is perfect (unless they think it to be, and then of course, who is to argue with that?!)

But.....

How frail the human mind! How sensitive we are as creatures, ‘evolved’, ‘intelligent’, ‘wise’, and yet.... all it takes, is one moment, one little thing, and I am feeling uncomfortable again; just a little... disjointed.

Now, I won’t try to tell you that it was really that bad a moment - it wasn’t! But, in this contemplational place that I am in on this day; on this ‘day of freedom’, to think and feel, it was - significant, in a way....

I’m in a well-known coffee house, drinking a cappucino and eating a blueberry muffin - both of which are now beginning to make me feel a little sick! But, on one’s rare day off, one must have treats!!?

Two women are sat just a couple of tables away, chatting. I have inadvertently sat facing them with no obstructions between us, which I had not realised until one of them started to weep! However, I felt it would be too uncomfortable for all concerned, for me to swap sides at my table, as we had (albeit, subconsciously) acknowledged eachother, and so I stayed put, and tried my best not to look directly at them.

As a third woman approached their table with a tray full of drinks, there appeared to be no surprise as to the crying. They all sat, talking, reassuring, listening, giving their thoughts and opinions as and when.

Suddenly, I felt quite alone. From what tiny snippets of conversation I heard, they were talking about young children and school, and such things - things which I am now fully immersed in with my own family. I’m not entirely sure, but it sounded like she was considering moving one of her children to another school, as she was not enjoying it where she was. But I could have this completely wrong of course!

I tried not to listen, but found that my ears would always be trying to catch the gist of the conversation (how can I be annoyed at my own ears for that? But I was....!) And in any case, I barely heard much of anything at all, so I felt that retribution for my ears was present, and this made me feel a little better. Crazy, I know, but I’ve never been one to be bothered about that! (Not that I ‘share the crazy around’!! - unless I feel at ease with people...)

I sat there, battling with my own emotions. The woman had, by now, cleaned up her wet cheeks, sniffed and smoothed herself, and was chatting more boldly, more confidently with her two friends, who looked to be just a little older than her - in the following decade of their lives, maybe? It was only a matter of minutes between the tissues pouring forth, and the smile to be back on her face. It was interesting to think that we all can have such fluctuating emotions some days. Just a kind word, a friend (or two) to lean on, a hug, anything to make the day suddenly feel brighter.

I too have felt, do feel, the sadness of such an emotive situation similar to hers, daily. But I don’t really feel that I have anyone close enough to confide in fully about it (except for my husband, who is of course, biased to the situation). Then I wonder - do I have anyone I can actually fully confide in about these issues that I’m dealing with?

Well, yes, although only one or two people, and albeit, they are quite far away - so no coffee shops chats, just the odd phone call.... But I digress - this is not an exercise in self pity!!!

Although this thought warmed me to some degree, I still felt a little... I don’t know, sad? And so, I finish up my coffee, stop staring at my table feeling just a bit sorry for myself, and put my coat on to leave.

Plodding my way down the spiral stairs to the bookshop, I have a little gander around at the things on offer, then, feeling indecisive, I make my way out. I have a specific reason to be here in town after all, and a coffee break wasn’t strictly on my ‘rota’ this morning (but I enjoyed the time to be still, nonetheless).

And as I cross the threshold between warm and cold, between still and turbulent, artificial lighting vs. the bright rays of the sun; I again feel lifted. The huge sycamore trees that line the promenade, the little seats all huddled around tables outside coffee shops along the line of buildings, optimistically waiting for some customers to fill them in the rather-too-cool, strong wind...

It is truly a privilege to feel. To see nature, albeit amongst paving stones and people rushing about their daily business. It is truly a privilege to be able to saunter off to a shop today, gazing through the odd window along the way, knowing that we are all truly free really, in one way or another - we just need to remind ourselves of that from time to time. Take the time to slow down and.... remember.