Trying

I haven't been using Opuss regularly of late. There are reasons. Internet bans, my iPod crashing, lack of inspiration. But it was mainly because lately I've been feeling pretty damn rough. I'm still so busy with all my schoolwork, revision, college applications, interviews, and stuff like that. It's a wonder I have any personal life left. On top of that, I've been trying to work on my writing project which has to be finished by the end of March, and my computer has broken, meaning it won't get done in time, leaving me still with no results. As it is, I don't really know how I feel. I started writing a daily diary of my feelings, except that I found it so hard to put into words that I gave up. I'm stressed, I know that much. But I've spoken to a couple of people, and it's been over a week since I cut, which is a breakthrough for me at the moment. Although checking on the cuts I made nine days ago it looks like I'm going to have a lot of scars. I am trying, I really am. I want this to have stopped by the time I start college. I want that to be in the past. I know that last time I tried to stop I managed six days before I had a relapse. I'm scared of that happening again, but on the other hand I'm prepared in case it does. But I feel better now than I have over the last couple of months. January's usually bad anyway (Post-Christmas stupor and all that) but this year was terrible. I had a breakdown in front of my computer screen in the dark at two in the morning and cried for ages. That was on the second, and the month only got worse. I had flu, I had mock exams, I completely ruined a friendship with someone. I cut more and more often, and so it continued until last Tuesday when I spoke to a friend about it all. She told me she'd been through the same, which I had no idea about. She comforted me, and she told me that I could change if I tried. I just had to have willpower. So I'm trying. I'm really trying. And I won't stop. Because I know I can change. But I have to do it myself, and not rely on anyone else to do it for me.