blackrose
I must thank a very good friend of mine for this, thank you Sophie. Hope it makes you all laugh as did I. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bath…
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place…
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. …
I have my Son-in-Law to thank for this one. I hope you all enjoy it. The damn thing about it is although funny, it's also very true. I would also like to take this opportunity to wish all on Opuss and especially my followers a very Happy C…
LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS …
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm o…
Very true! 1. Life would be perfect if: Anger had a mute button, Mistake had a back button, Hard times had a fast forward button & Good times had a pause button. 2. A bird asked a Bee, 'You work so hard to make honey an…
A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”? The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!! All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. Aft…
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shi…
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in I…
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they pu…
Hi All Got an email from Opuss the other day, asking where I had got to. Well I am still here. I know I have not posted for a while, but bad health has kept me low for a few weeks, still things are starting to pick up, and all the tests an…
A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after them treating her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight...”
1) A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT ? !…
It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other sid…
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?" "I died of shame!" she answers! "Why?" her Mother asked. Annie said, “Koos from down th…
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,…
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full…
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borro…
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running a…
One of the mogul King Akbars' wives, Mariam, was a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Raja Todermal was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but, he ha…
A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The …
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 4. How you naively believe that the stupid …
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time …
Birds of a feather flock together...and then shit on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends…
A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they i…
A frail old man lived with his son, his daughter-in-law, and his four-year-old grandson. His eyes were blurry, his hands trembled, and his step faltered. The family would eat together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfathe…
1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. 2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. 3. The process beco…
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly t…
Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me…
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nea…
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, …
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones h…
From the mouths of children....always the truth ? I think so :) Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the la…
I know this is old, but for some strange reason I've always loved it......weird right. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood all over his face and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. …
Ooooo I might get it in the neck over this one, depending on your gender I suppose :) 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you …
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bir…
Little Larry and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Larry goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand. Larry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me …
"...We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing."
"Questions are a burden to others....Answers a prison to oneself."
*1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.* *2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.* *3. She was only a whisk…
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings …
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little David stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Da…
A solution. The other day using Safari as my browser on a iMac with the latest version of Lion installed, I visited a web site that had an embedded QuickTime video, demonstrating a piece of software that I was interested in. The problem st…
I have been thinking of late, which by itself is enough to burst blood vessels. Regarding the above three program's, it would seem that where once the audience would rise to their feet when there had been a truly remarkable performance, n…
I always think this quote is so true, I would not trust any of them! "I'm a politician , that makes me a cheat and a liar, so when I'm not kissing babies I'm stealing their lollipops."