nicwatt
......the art of texting, eating & watching TV while a textbook sits nearby
That awkward run/walk you do when a car lets you cross the road
I miss my wife's cooking.........every chance I get
If you're living your life without a "F" you're living a LI(-)E
There is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem....
The only thing worse than being blind is having sight and no vision!
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English…
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong becomes: A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Becomes: In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts a…
Dormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em Animosity == Is No Amity Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is…
A closed mind is a good thing to lose!
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long!!
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long!!
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Afr…
As no great story started with someone eating a salad!
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in t…
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home 1 night. The next…
I've never been to bed with an ugly woman but by god I've woken up with a few :-)
The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. Norman Peale
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation…
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty W. Churchill
People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.
Losing is a learning experience. It teaches you humility. It teaches you to work harder. It's also a powerful motivator. Yogi Berra
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, u…
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Fa…
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My so…
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his leg…
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the…
The two most important days in your life. The day you are born & the day you find out why. Mark Twain
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with…
There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.
Try to forget yourself in the service of others. For when we think too much of ourselves and our own interests, we easily become despondent. But when we work for others, our efforts return to bless us
The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves. Oscar Wilde
The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code....
There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word – it’s “UP.” It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a mee…
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her” Dad: That happens in every country, son
A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him…
You don't have to be at a desk but you must be sitting. While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number " 6 " in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
An old man lived alone in scotland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jim, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Jim: I a…
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". Georg…
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin' I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin' I saw a white ladder all covered with water I saw ten thousand takers whose tongues were all broken I saw guns and sharp swords in the…
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because…
Having s*x is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand :-)
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Gandhi
The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scr…
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finis…
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Ame…
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother he…
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, …
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section. FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 pounds or best offer. Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wi…
Each day is the start of a new chapter in the book of like & you are the author. Carpe Diem
Smart: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the pers…
Paddy said to murphy, "I'm thinking of getting a labradore" then murphy said to paddy "are you mad, those things make you go blind"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "…
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bar…
All happiness comes from daring to begin
Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you c…
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farme…
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a b…