The Moment Before We Are What We Are

I'm no longer sure if it is me or everyone else. I am in a position of self doubt followed by disappointment and loathing all too often. I find myself a mess, broken by uncertainty and now overcome by the release I so desperately yearned for. I am my own mess. A disappointment to all that know me, and a failure to all that don't. I could scream how much more I am worth until my lungs swell and scorch my skin. But i am not worth anything anymore.

I try to read the faces, the thoughts of those around me. I see certainty, regret, fatigue and hate.compassion, broken dreams, distorted memories, seething desire, I see nothing of myself. How are you, you? Why are you? I see 2 people the same, 4! 10! I don't need to know who you are, I need to know me! Who i am, what I feel, what of it is part of the pursual of this life!? What do I want?

Who am I?

Why can't I find that "self" that so many do? What am I doing wrong?

I will break apart, losing everything that means something before I find out the answers to these pointless questions... I will shatter and lose myself in every break in the path, every hole, every sewer will play host to my rotten, broken "self" I will die, reassured that my silenced dreams remain so forever, my memory a stain to those who pitied me.
Though memory can be kind. Perhaps they will remember only my name and that brief moment just before I wasn't me.