My World (random)

*I wrote this without thought, it might not make total sense as its 3am, it's a quite long maybe very boring write about myself. It may Contain swear words, i can't remember.You were warned.

Nothing I've ever done has ever felt real. I always feel like I'm watching the world happen, unable to change or affect anything. Whilst I'm doing something I sometimes try to convince myself to stop.
I feel pain, but only in the moment, it doesn't resonate. "Tomorrow" is a concept I can never quite believe in, yet I always put things off until then.
I find it impossible to hate, even when I want to so damn badly it almost hurts.
I have so many answers in my head, but none of the actions to carry them through.
I feel no motivation to live life, the money the cars the big houses, none of that interests me.
I make connections with people, but only through obsession, I feed on interactions, deluding myself into believing they are more than they really are.
I may well be convinced that one day I will be given an option to rewind my life to a certain point (this point would be when I was fifteen). I hate people expecting me to succeed, at school my teacher told me I was her biggest hope, after that day I stopped doing homework and lost interest in classes, when i play pool, if I know that everyone is expecting me to win I am ten times as likely to lose.
I have no focus at all, anything that requires me thinking about step two or three is a complete no go. I can't even just watch a film anymore, I have to do something else as well, I'm always doing two things at once.
I can't sleep without noise, silence lets me think and my thoughts are never pleasant.
One of my biggest fears is boredom. One of the easiest ways to piss me off is to accuse me of doing something that I haven't done.
I fear death, but only because it would mean I would miss something happening in the future.
I find it very easy to cry at films and or tv programmes.
I get a warm feeling when I see people helping each other.
I can only talk real words over a screen, never in person.
I use jokes as a defence mechanism, most of the times it's sarcasm.
I am twenty nine but I swear I feel like I haven't turned sixteen yet.
If given a choice I would choose nightmares over dreams every time, probably because you are more grateful to wake from a nightmare.
I don't see the point in alcohol or recreational drugs, I believe that if you need them to enjoy yourself then it's not really you enjoying yourself. I also believe they are used as excuses to act like a twat.
I find it hard to comprehend how someone can cheat on another person in a relationship, it always baffles me.
I also can't understand why we have a need to label people, to me love is love and attraction is attraction...Gay bi or straight shouldn't come into it.
I believe I am supposed to be an artist of some kind (I also believe we all have art in us) I just can't figure out what my platform is.
I have always felt there is something missing from my life, something I am supposed to be doing, maybe one day I'll work it out.