Being, Seeing, Breathing

Deep within my most hidden desires lyes one which has kept itself mute and unnoticeable for many years. One which has kept me wondering what it is which stops me from being able to desire and set goals. I became clear of it today however I feel weak, broken, unworthy and unwelcomed. Unwelcomed to a life which can only occur within my mind yet the pain of not witnessing its manifestation brings a deep grief within the core of my existence. My life is in my hands but my drive seems abrupt and uncontrollable. I wonder sometimes, the things I do, the things I've done, are they what I truly wanted? Or were they simply obliged to grasp the attention and most importantly the approval of others? What do I really want? Car? Girl? House? Cash? This materialistic world has grasped onto me from my balls and I feel that I'm living within a reality unvolunteered for. A really given unchoosingly. As I view people and see their actions and reactions I cannot help but to wonder how does the minds of those who have success and happiness function? Does their arrogance or over limiting confidence favour their deepest desires? Or is it simply me who thinks that they have achieved what they wanted and established the characteristics of what I see in order to manipulate and attract those who can be of purpose? My mind is oblivious and sense became nonsense long ago the more I saw. I wonder...