Texas Girl (Pt 51)

I love this part. It's very emotional for Drew :) x

Drew's POV
After I'd cried like hell, an air hostess had entered the cabin and asked worriedly if I was ok.
I'd smiled and lied through my teeth, and when I got back to my seat, seeing Justin broke my heart all over again.
He didn't understand. I couldn't take the pills. I just couldn't... I wish I could tell him why. I had tried, but I didn't have the guts. He'd hate me so much. He'd never speak to me again.
I took a feeble seat beside him, and he didn't even glance at me. He stared straight ahead, for the entire forty minutes left of the flight.
At one point, the Doctor that had been with me earlier came over and told me he would make sure I got anti-hallucinants from the Pharmacy at the airport. I thanked him, and so did Justin, but after that, he ignored me once again.
I couldn't even focus on the sheer beauty of Canada once we had landed and been driven (By a chauffeur Justin had hired) through the snow-capped mountains, through the vibrant green forest, and past dark blue lakes. He stared out the window, not having said a word since he walked away from me in the cabin.
I was in a brand new country, with the guy I loved, and I felt totally alone. I wanted to cry and beg him to speak to me. To look at me. To acknowledge my existence.
I didn't. He didn't. We didn't.
We were two feet apart, window seat to window seat, and it felt like we were on opposite sides of the world. Something inside me made me reach out for his hand, clenched into an icy-white fist in his lap. As soon as our fingers brushed, he jerked his hand away in a millisecond, eyes glued to the trees on the other side of the window.
I slowly brought my hand back to myself, clasping it together with my other and leaving them rest in my lap. I felt hot tears spring to my eyes, threatening to fall over the brim and drop down my cheek. I didn't let them. I focused on the antique styled flower pattern of my jeans. A soft, creamy beige, with vibrant purple and pink roses trailing up the length of my leg, scrunched up at my ankle where my chunky black high-top trainers began. I swallowed back the lump of raw emotion in my throat, feeling everything I had on my shoulders right now press down even harder, as if someone had just placed another four kilograms down on my fragile body.
A single tear shot down my cheek as I hung my head over my lap. It spilled down my skin, landing with a deadened "Plip" on my jeans. The car was so silent, you could clearly hear the noise.
Justin's head snapped around to look at me, his expression emotionless, his eyes as lost and unforgiving as the darkest circles of hell. His eyes were no longer a beautiful, glimmering hazel brown. They were black. As black as the night slowly rising on the picturesque Canadian landscape.
"Why are you crying?" he finally spoke, and I was rushed with a thousand mixed emotions at the sound of his voice. I was suddenly glad that there was a glass divider between the driver and us, I didn't need him hearing this conversation - that was bound to be embarrassing for me only.
I wiped the track of the tear away, taking a deep breath in through my nose. I hadn't realised it was running, and turned my subtle breath into an unsubtle sniffle. Great. Now your original reply of "I'm not" is no longer valid.
I had nothing else to say, so I just went with it. "I'm not" I stated, making sure my face wasn't visible to him.
"I-" he began, but decided against his words and fell silent once again. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, hoping to get a glimpse of his expression and maybe get an emotion from it. He looked as if he was still contemplating whether to speak or not.
I wished he would say something. If I could get in his mind and force him to speak, to say anything at all, I would.
But I can't.
And he won't.
I'd be surprised if he ever spoke again.

When we reached the lodge, it was 1AM. The only people awake were Justin's grandparents and Pattie, who had flown out a day before us to help prepare. Everyone else had arrived at the lodge that day, aunts, uncles, cousins, and Justin's close family.
I was polite and pleasant when I introduced myself, and Justin plastered a fake smile across his face when he saw his grandparents.
We had a ten minute chat, nothing all that interesting, before everyone crept off to bed.
The lodge house was deep into the mountains - about half an hour away from the nearest Wal-Mart - but still miles away from civilisation. It was beautiful, really. There was no concrete or Tarmac in sight, just an earthy woodland floor, dying autumn leaves spread across the ground, the trees stripped almost bare - except for the firs, they survived the harsh cold of winter and kept their vibrant green colour.
The entire house was made of thick wooden beams, a luxurious cabin that was miles long and wide. Everything inside was wooden walls and floorboards, the furniture mostly made of leather, wool, or once again, wood.
When we finally made it to our bedroom, I had to stop my jaw from dropping. A magnificent four-poster - much fancier and expensive than mine -, sleek and shiny dresser and sitting area, as well as a balcony (Our room was on the first floor) over-looking the still life of the lake.
Justin spent forty minutes in the en suite bathroom as I sat impatiently on the bed, clad in my hippy pyjamas and leopard print slipper boots.
A plan began to form in my head. I stood from the bed, and stripped down to my underwear, kicking the boots off and throwing the clothes down on top of my suitcase. I clambered onto the bed and switched on the flat screen TV, not even bothering to look at what was on.
My underwear is nowhere near sexy enough. I'm wearing snoopy pants. That's really going to make him forgive me.
I sighed and got up again, sifting through my suitcase until I found matching red lace underwear. Too much? Nah. I threw it on and chucked myself down onto the bed, beginning to arrange my hair when the door of the bathroom open, and white light poured out of the room. I briefly squinted, but turned to the TV and pretended I had been watching it all along.
Justin flicked the bathroom light off, and fell down on the opposite side of the bed.
"What are you watching?" he mumbled, trying to make friendly conversation, although you could tell he didn't want to.
He clearly hadn't noticed my clothing yet.
I took in a breath and identified what was on the TV.
"Some police show" I shrugged as the police sirens went off and the patrol car began to follow a beaten up Skoda.
"Oh ri-" he began, glancing at me. He stopped his voice abruptly as his glance turned into a stare.
Ha. Try and be angry with me now.
He turned away, finishing his sentence with a highly detectible sigh. "Oh right" she stated with a simple nod, eyes glued to the TV screen. He didn't even steal a glimpse. I might as well have not been there.
Fine. He asked for it.
I crawled seductively across the bed towards him, a soft mischievous smile lit up by the light of the TV. I shifted over his body and ended up straddling his lap. His expression was completely unreadable. He looked me in the eye, but gave me no clue what he was thinking or feeling. I decided to take the risk, and pressed myself right to his chest. My lips came in contact with his for a brief second, before he pushed me back roughly. I stumbled backwards, falling down on the bed in front of him. You could see he didn't mean to push me so hard, as his eyes became deeply apologetic, but not apologetic enough to actually say sorry.
It wasn't his actions that made me burst into tears, it was the rejection. I crossed my legs and hung my head in my hands, no longer caring if he saw my cry.
I sobbed into my own hands, suddenly wanting my Mother. Yes, my Mother. The one that left me when I was twelve. I wanted to hear her voice. Somehow I knew she'd know how it felt.
Justin slid towards me and sighed, tugging my hands gently away from my face, forcing me to look up at him. He wiped the tears away and briefly licked his finger to wipe away the now-smudged mascara.
I didn't feel loved in the slightest by his actions. It felt like he was doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to. I took his hands from my face and held them in mine, gripping really tight in case he pulled away. He didn't. He held onto my hands and let them link the two of us. I cried and cried in front of him for about twenty minutes, and he occasionally built up enough love to whisper an ineffective "Shh". I cried until I couldn't cry any more, and my sobs turned into short, occasional gasps for well-needed breath. I wiped my cheeks with the backs of my hands, still linked with his as he sat silently in front of me.
I eventually subsided to sniffles every now and again, and Justin thought this was as close as we would get to silence.
"Are you ok?" he asked awkwardly, not really knowing what to say to me.
"Yeah. I'm fine. I just cried so hard my stomach hurts. I'm just dandy" I said sarcastically, although it was barely detectible in my weak voice. It must be 2AM.
Justin swallowed to fill the gap between our words. "I don't know what you want me to say" he said, eyes showing the same emotion of weakness as mine.
"Something... Anything. Just don't ignore me anymore" I whispered, and he immediately snapped as my sentence ended.
"Would you rather I shout at you all the time? Because that's what I feel like doing, Drew" he shot back, and I thought it was my turn to speak, but I had set him off, and there was no going back now.
"I want to scream at you for being so stupid. I've been thinking about it all day, and I've decided it doesn't matter what I think about your situation, maybe you love me, maybe you don't, but I have forgiven you for not taking the pills because you know I'd want you to. I'm over that. People make mistakes, me being one of them. But I haven't forgiven you for not taking the pills in general. That was just stupid Drew" he lectured me, releasing my hands from his. I stayed silent, not knowing whether he had finished or not.
"I thought you were a lot smarter than that. I thought maybe you had a shred of intelligence enough to realise that without those stupid pills, something would go wrong. Why else would the psychiatrist have given them to you? What did you even do with the first lot?". I was hoping he wouldn't ask that question.
"I... I threw them away" I muttered.
"What?" I wasn't sure if he hadn't heard me or was just so angry he needed to hear it again. Still, I repeated myself, much louder this time.
"I threw them away".
He bit down hard on his lip until I saw it bleed. "I'm sorry" I murmured gently, and reached out for his hand. He shot it back, making my face scrunch up in a wince of emotional pain.
I can't cry again. Not in front of him.
I sprung from the bed and ran from the room, trying to find my way to... Well, anywhere. Anywhere that would provide relief from rejection.
I ended up in the kitchen. Still in my underwear, I left the main light off to avoid being detected, but opened the fridge to have a glimmer bright enough to see.
I cried quietly to myself, sliding my back down the counter top. Through the blinding tears, I noticed a bottle of white wine sitting on the top shelf of the fridge. A sip couldn't hurt.
I stood and pulled it out, scanning all the cupboards for a wine glass. When I found none, I ended up using a beer glass.
I poured a centimetre of the liquid into the cup, and inquisitively smelt it. It smelt strong and rich, heady and musky. It smelt incredibly inviting. I took a sip, and let the icy cold fluid elegantly glide down my throat. It tasted exactly how it smelt, maybe a bit sour for my taste, but right now, I didn't care. I poured a bit more, and had soon enough finished that off. I ended up pouring an entire glassful, and by the time I had finished that, I was already feeling dizzy.
I sat down on the kitchen floor with the bottle, abandoning the glass on the counter-top.
I sat on the icy floor, crying and drinking to my hearts content, until I could cry and drink no longer.
When I'd got half way through my second bottle, my vision went foggy and fuzzy. I shut my eyes for a brief moment, hoping to adjust my view back to normal, but I shut them, and they did not open.
I blacked out.