Brother

It seems a long time since I lived. I mean really lived, instead of just existing, just passing through the mindless drudgery of the daily routine. When I was younger, I was innocent, unsuspecting. I didn't know the world. I didn't know how people were. I didn't know I could get hurt. I met him, and I fell immediately. I fell for him hard, landing on the ground and grazing my heart. I should have known back then that it was a bad idea. I did, in a way. But I believed in the goodness that I thought was inside every human being. I thought he would let me down gently. He didn't have to, in the end. His sister told him, and later she informed me of his disgusted response. But then I went back to him. I said sorry. I told him it was all gone, even though that was a lie. I pretended like it never even mattered. And he believed me. We got closer and closer, until he was my best friend. I grew up. I began to understand the world. I thought I'd fallen for someone else, but he was so cruel to me. That boy trampled all over my heart and left it for me to try and piece back together. But my best friend was there. He called me, let me cry down the phone at him for an hour, gave me advice and comfort. When I saw him, he hugged me closer than ever before. I felt it again, stirring in my chest. But I was determined it couldn't happen again. So I started to distance myself from him. I tried to stay away, only talking to him occasionally. He seemed hurt, and I hated it too, but I knew I couldn't love him. And so, slowly, we drifted back apart. It was all for nothing. I feel it now, strong as ever, the love for him, despite the measures I took. I ruined my strongest friendship for nothing. And now I want to get close to him again, all the stupid shit I did has come back to hit me in the face. I should have kept him close. I should have stayed with him. Now he won't stop and talk to me. It's been four years since we first met. Three months since we last spoke. I miss him. He was the cheery presence in my life, always laughing and joking, yet serious and clever too. He was my world for a while. Two years ago, he gave me a birthday card with 'Sister' written on the front. That's what he was like. A sibling, a brother, always pestering, but always protecting. This card stayed on my wall for two years, stuck with blue tack. The other day, I decided it needed to go. I had a choice of ripping the card or ripping the wallpaper to get it off. I ripped the wallpaper. I didn't want to break my card. After all, it's really all I've got now. From a friend to a brother to a crush. Sounds ridiculous. Well, it was ridiculous. But it was wonderful. And now, I think it's over. It was my fault I lost him. And all I want is to get him back.