Lost And Found.

Rom was dead and buried. Gone. He had been for almost a year, but it wasn't getting any easier, living without him. Not that Sophie had ever really lived with him, but he had been a part of her life and no matter how little he featured sometimes, he'd always played such a significant part. If she said that he hadn't left a gaping hole in her world, she would have been lying. It was just that the words 'gaping hole' were too cliche; too tame. Rom's death had upended her; torn her world completely apart and enveloped her in a grief so raw that some days she honestly didn't think she would be able to pull through. She endured the silence, the deafening nothing that had crept in when he left. No words or music or sound could take its place. It lingered; a constant reminder of what she had lost. And she found herself in the darkness, clinging blindly to her dreams because they were all she had left. Though 'dreams', she thought, didn't quite cover it because they tormented her like nightmares. She remembered the last time she saw him; that stupid argument he had started over nothing but that had turned out so nasty; going home and crying, hating him for being so cruel and then Adrian at her door, white as a sheet, telling her that Rom was gone. Just like that. Her world caved and crumbled in that moment. They said you only knew you'd been high when you were feeling low and she was lower than low, she was rock bottom and realising just how happy Rom had made her. For weeks, months even, she hadn't left the house. She'd cried and cried, but she hadn't slept because when she closed her eyes he was there and she couldn't bear it. Sleep wasn't such a issue now, sometimes she even looked forward to it; to seeing him. It was the rest of the day that was becoming a problem. No one could fill that gap - no matter how hard they tried.

Sophie sighed and broke from her daydreams, looking back at the work that was piled high on her desk. Usually the sight of so many reports would have filled her with dread, but now she saw it all as a welcome distraction. If you'd have told her a year ago, that she would be spending her Friday nights working late at the office she would have laughed in your face and told you to stop being ridiculous. But that was what she did; she worked until her eyes were leaden, walked the short distance home and went to bed, fearing the empty diary pages of the weekend. It's not that she didn't have other friends because she did. It was more that they couldn't understand her grief. To them, it was odd that she should be so affected by Rom's death; it's not like they were together and he wasn't particularly good to her. He was a strange character, they said, at times brilliant but mostly weird. Sophie wouldn't argue with them, he was a bit - well, crazy. As mad as a hatter sometimes, but in the most wonderful way possible, at least, that's what she thought. Yes, sometimes he didn't treat her very nicely but most of the time he was - she couldn't say lovely, because Rom didn't do lovely - but he had moments of kindness that were endearing. And yes, she loved him; all of him. With Rom, it was the little things that made all the difference.

Sophie made herself a cup of tea in the staff room and walked back down the darkened corridor to her office. Instead of settling down to her reports she stood by the window and stared out at the hustle and bustle of Friday night in London. Sometimes these nights had been theirs, when Rom brushed aside whatever he was working on and visited her. They'd sit and eat rubbish food whilst watching crap TV and laugh together. Those moments were the ones she missed the most. Sophie sighed and placed her mug on the window ledge.
"Why did you have to leave me?" She whispered, leaning her head against the window pane.

Her watch read seven, she'd maybe stay another hour before she called it a day - she sighed, the reports wouldn't write themselves.
"I didn't leave you. I'm here." A voice came from behind her. Sophie froze, eyes wide. It wasn't any old voice, it was his - she was certain. It was a sound she would never forget. Against the dark backdrop of the outside world she could make out her office in the reflection. There was no one else with her, she could clearly see that and yet she was too afraid to turn around. Scrunching her eyes tightly shut, she shook her head, "No. I'm dreaming. You're not here. This is just a dream. You're dead."
She began to shake.
"I'm here, Sophie, turn around." There it was again. Her mind was being particularly devilish tonight. Tears began to well behind her closed eyelids. She tried to shake that voice from her ears. An image of him flashed in her mind. His beautiful face was covered in blood, it had soaked into his hair and his eyes - those pale blue, intelligent, bewitching eyes - were staring at her but not seeing her. Sophie didn't know whether it was an image that her mind had conjured in her grief or if she had really seen this awful sight. Everything was a blur and there was a lot she couldn't remember but regardless of whether it was a real memory or not, that image of his once captivating eyes now dead, haunted her.
Her tears began to fall now, rolling slowly down her cheeks. Silent sobs shook her body.
"Sophie."
Her mind was so persistent, so intent on making sure she never forgot; so set on tormenting her. She wouldn't let it; she couldn't let it - otherwise it would consume her.
"No!" She cried, "no," her voice faltered, lowered to a tearful whisper, "I won't face you. I've already lost you once; I can't bear to lose you from my dreams as well."
There was a moment of silence where it seemed like the whole world was holding its breath, waiting to exhale. Watching as repressed hurt, pain and anger rose from within her.
"I won't forgive you for leaving me, you know. You hurt me time and time again when you were alive, with your words; with your actions. Some days, I didn't want to ever see you again but I always forgave you. Now I can't see you and I can't forgive you, because losing you hurts more than anything you ever said or did. You've ruined me Rom, I lost myself the day I lost you. I hate you, I hate ..."
"SOPHIE!" The voice bellowed, stopping her, making her jump and making her turn round all at once. Her eyes glimpsed a figure in the doorway. She gasped; stumbled backwards, sending her mug from the window ledge crashing to the floor. She winced at the sound, stared helplessly at the broken shards and spilt tea and then forced herself to look back up. Back up at the jeans; the shirt; the jacket; at the pale face, the mop of brown hair framing it and those eyes. Those absorbing pale blue eyes that haunted her were now staring at her, bright even in the dim light of her office and very much alive. For what seemed like the thousandth time, she shook her head.
"No, it's not possible. It's just not - I don't understand." Though her brain knew the words to say, they stumbled and fell of her tongue in disarray. He, the figure, took a step towards her; a step that brought him fully into the light.
"Rom!" She bleated. A sob escaped her lips, her head swam and suddenly her office was no longer still. Her legs buckled beneath her; she braced herself for the impact. It never came. Hands grabbed her, pulling her into an embrace that though she knew, she had not experienced often. A whirlwind of senses hit her like a blast of cold winter air, setting her senses and her memories alight. Aftershave, vanilla; a slight hint of tobacco. Each one was completely unique to the bearer and each was completely familiar. She grasped the material of his jacket and drew herself as close to him as was physically possible. Resting her head against his chest, she waited - holding her breath - for the one thing that would make this real. And, when the melodious sound reached her ears she exhaled deeply and swore that the earth did so to. A heartbeat. This was no longer a dream.
"Rom." This time she cried his name, sobs racked her body and she clung to him, neither wanting nor willing to let him go. Her knees gave way again, but this time he made no effort to stop her from collapsing. Instead, he lowered her gently to the floor, bringing his tall frame with her and never once letting her go. Settling his back against the desk, he enveloped her in his embrace entirely. She curled up against him, knuckles turning white from where she was holding onto him.
"I'm here." Rom whispered and this time, with belief burning bright within her, she allowed herself to savour the sound of his voice. A wave of relief swept over her and a deep sigh opened the flood gates to her real tears. He held her tightly as she wept, resting his head atop hers. Rom didn't say another word and Sophie knew, that he knew, that simply being there and being alive was enough.