Playing With Fire

Night air. Fresh, summery night air. The distinctive smell is loathed, loved missed and forgotten. City lights descending from the mountain and darkness just within them. Within me. Putting off writing, I don't know why. Has so much gone on for me to be scared to rediscover myself, am I even lost once again? Distant barking of dogs, no sound of the gentle waves, no sight of the moon. Except the ones still dancing in my memories. I remember writing like letting go. Letting go of fears, darkness, my worries and weaknesses maybe even myself. I can't help but smile as I tap my feelings through the same old words. I miss my notebook. Nothing ever feels like the lick of the ink on the paper which hungrily absorbs it as if absorbing my troubles. I must admit it is a little difficult opening up after all this time. I didn't know it would take this long or.. be so different. I'm glad the summer air is back though I can only appreciate it after being shut off from it for so long.

I'd just like to take a moment to express my strange state of mind in something, perhaps to apologize. Isolating yourself from the world when darkness comes. Why do we do that? I mean when something is troubling you the normal thing to do is reach out and ask for something instead of withdrawing yourself into a ring of fire. However beautifully this fire does glow, after encircling yourself within it, getting out of something you closed yourself into is trouble. Even worse is you feel like you have to stick within it because it's your fault for putting yourself in that situation. I hope I'm making a little sense to all of you... That or I'm back to my old confusing self. It's just finding these little excuses to push people away or contain yourself within something; fights, the odd word, not going to parties or meetings, not speaking more than you need to... All these little things and one day you just look up and nobodies there for you like they were, and its all you (well, really MY) fault. Just a matter of habits. Oh, and there's also the fact that when you play with fire, you'll eventually burn.