Missing smile
This is the second part of my young memories. Be warned this one is going deeper in to my head, as the title suggests there won't be many smile's.
I find myself unsure whether to share personal life memories like this but hopefully it will help me further along the road of progress.
When I was round my mum's finishing the painting I asked her if she could look in her diary to see if there was anything interesting about me as a child in there. She started looking through as I was decorating in the hallway. She had come to a part twenty years ago when I was joining nursery school and came across this.
"Paul has become very serious all of a sudden he always used to smile but now he's always so quiet and keeps bursting into tears all the time"
This had me slightly worried, as a lot of things do. I was thinking as if I have been without a smile for that long.
I knew something must have took place to make me feel so sad early in life. The only thing it could have been Is the break up off my mum and dad, that started to bring back a pretty dark thought, well more a memory of my earliest night mare.
I'm not sure how old I was when I had it but it must have been pretty young.
The whole thing is not with me but I can still remember the nasty parts which have stayed. It was about my dad I remember he was in the back of a police van, he looked really beat up, covered in blood, no shirt.
He was not guilty that I's the only thing I remember thinking. The next part must have been the hardest part to deal with so young.
He was being shot at, in the chest, the rib cage was open and black like tar, I think this was because of the amount he smokes.
I think a vision like this could have been enough to take the smile of my face, But possibly not. I have always had the memory's of this come back every now and then and they are always uneasy to think about.
If I write them down and send it out there hopefully it can't come back to haunt any more. Because after all it was probably only there to prepare me for the worst just incase anything was to happen to him.
Today though I can rest in the peace knowing that if anything ever happens its not the end and two souls with a connection like father and son will forever be together in someway or another in some place or another.
The lesson I am hoping to get from this is , just sit down , no matter how unpleasant it is.
And analyse the reason behind these things and hopefully they will give me the closure to move on.
Thanks for reading.
XSTABLISHX
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