The Diary Of A Nice Guy

Diary of a Nice Guy

July 10, 2010. 2:38 PM
The warm summer air soaked into my clothes, leaving me sweaty and in need of a good shower. School had just let out and I tried to enjoy the fresh air and warm temperatures.
I sat in a small green plastic chair that barely supported my weight on my cracked black asphalt driveway and sported a pair of tinted shades (that were sadly enough, my mothers). I guess I could say that I was tanning, but that would be a lie, because I could lay in the sun for hours and sooner watch water evaporate in the baking sun then gain a hint of a tan. So I just kind of sat there and watched the world pass. Creepy.

July 10, 2012. 4:16
I woke up soaking with freezing water pouring down on me like a god up there decided to be my personal alarm clock. "Hey Twinkie! Wake up!" I lazily blinked and tried to rub the stinging water out of my eyes. Slowly, a figure came into focus. I froze. Slowly, the last details came into focus of her.
"Ill spray you again," She threatened coyly. I groggily got up and only then did I feel the harsh sunlight burning my eyelids and blistering my already lobster-red face. My shirt clung to my skin by the water, exposing my skinniness and lack of muscles (not something I'm proud of).
She laughed again, a sound that could make birds sing and rain shimmer. She looked beautiful with her long chestnut brown hair blowing in the wind and her ripped up jeans ending right before the knee. She wore a regular t-shirt with the sleeves ending right below her shoulders, nothing fancy.
She turned on the hose one last time to spray me soaking, just for good measure. Then, she said," C'mon. I need your help washing the car." I sighed. But only jokingly. I was used to it. After all she was my neighbor. Smart, funny, and bashful. And I had a major crush on her.

August 27, 2006. 7:25 AM
Six years ago, she moved into our humble neighborhood. We met on the bus, on the first day of school, when I was sitting in my seat trying to be as quiet as I could, trying to get some extra sleep(as every day of the school year one tries for). I pulled my black coat over me, covering my entire frame. All of a sudden, I felt some push against me. I was annoyed, and I took off the coat to see a small face looking at me innocently. All she said was,"Didn't see you there." And she left the seat. She had a small dark ponytail and large, shining eyes, full of mischief and at the same time, innocence. I stood frozen there for the majority of the bus ride. For I could not shake the feeling that her bumping into me was no accident.

August 27, 2006. 4:31 PM
I saw her again as we got off the bus. I walked down our slightly hilled street as she walked down on the other side. Eventually, there came a point where the sidewalk ended, and I had to cross to the other side of the street so that I could reach my house. I tried to walk quickly so that I didn't disturb the girl, who seemed so harmonious with nature. But as I walked quickly, I dropped my snack on the sidewalk, and figured that I could get it later. As I neared my house, I heard a voice behind me yell,"Hey you forgot your Twinkie!". I yelled back,"I know," without turning. She picked them up. "We'll do you want it?". "I guess so." And then she laughed. And it sounded like bells rang all over town and the wind blew through the leaves, creating a song; a creation from Mother Nature herself.

December 13, 2007. 4:34 PM
A year and a half later, we walked down the same path. A light layer of snow danced on the ground, our breathe fogging in the feathery, cold air. The snowflakes fell in her hair, giving her a slight white aura. Like an angel. An angel, I breathed to myself. "So what are you doing over winter break, Twinkie?"."I don't know. Probably some stuff." She laughed, the snowflakes dislodging from her hair and slowly descending to the frozen, glistening ground. "Some stuff? Well that sounds fun! I'm going to go shopping for some 'stuff', and then eat some 'stuff', and then I'll do some more 'stuff'". Despite the cold, I couldn't help but smile with her. And I felt something.
Something inside of me stirred for the first time. And I realized that I wanted to be more than friends with her. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't know if she felt the same way. And I think I might have been a little embarrassed about my feelings. So I kept it in. In hope that someday would be the right time. The time when I wouldn't have to wait anymore.

May 3, 2009. 7:23 PM
The time still hasn't come yet. But apparently, for her, the time was long gone. She had gone out with three different guys this year. Currently on her fourth, she chatted endlessly about him. She texted something about how he made a funny joke to her and I responded, "cool." I wanted her to talk about me that way. The right time seemed it would never come. I never could really talk to her about my feelings.
Suddenly, out if nowhere, she asked,"Who do you like Twinkie?". I took my time before responding,"Nobody," half hoping she would call my bluff and half hoping she would believe the lie. "I don't believe you. C'mon. Who is it?". I bit my lip. I couldn't tell her. All she saw was a friend, where I saw more. "Nobody. I just haven't met the right person yet." Cold faced lie. I had. 3 years ago on a warm, sunny afternoon.

May 3, 2009. 10:13 PM
I thought about her. About my feelings for her. I thought about if she was mine. But I knew that could never be. I just wasn't... Her type of person. On the relationship pyramid, there is boyfriend, a crush, then normal person, and then friend. You can't climb up the pyramid. It's a feat know to mankind, and specifically men, to be physically, irreversibly, impossibly, improbably impossible.
Then, I got a text. "Hey. U awake?". I rolled my eyes and smiled in the dark. Who else would text me at ten. "Yeah. Obviously. Whatsup?"."My boyfriend broke up with me." I didn't know whether to feel bad or sad or happy or good. "I'm sorry. Can I help?". "Thanks Twinkie. I'm glad your there." I smiled and I felt good. We chatted for a little, and then she said, "I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to sleep. Thanks for everything :)"
As I put down my phone, I asked myself this. If it came down to it, would I try to get in a relationship with her, or would I try to help her go to her own way. I guess I knew the answer. Even then, I knew. Always.

May 11, 2009. 4:29
She had been asked out by one of the boys she had had a crush on in 5th grade. She was really giddy with excitement as we walked down the sidewalk together. "What do I do? What does he like? What should I wear? I'm so nervous, Twinkie!". "Just be your normal self and it'll be perfect," I said. "Thanks!" And she hugged me. I was suprised, and froze for a moment before I embraced her in this 'friend zoned 4 life' hug.

October 24, 2009. 7:11 PM
She and her boyfriend were going strong for half a year and everyone thought that they would go right through college together and get married. Including her. I was in my room studying with the cold silence of the heavy afternoon. Most kids were at Halloween parties, off drinking or smoking. I heard a knock at the door. Instantly, I went into ninja mode (I was a strange child). I crept down the stairs, wincing at every creak. I peered slowly through a crack in the door half expecting a robber or a sinister character. What I saw scared me even more.
I opened the door quickly. She walked in with her makeup dripping and shivering from the cold outside. It hurt me to see her like this. She sat down on the crouch and put her head in her hands, her soft brown hair obscuring her beautiful, crying face. I sat down next to her. She sobbed,"I'm sorry. I just didn't know where else to go." "It's ok. What's wrong?."He's gone." "Who?" "My boyfriend. He got hurt in a car accident. He's in a coma."."It's ok now. It's ok. He'll be fine." I cradled her head in the crook of my skinny arm and slowly rocked until the tears subsided. Then I got up and got her some paper towels for her makeup. "Thanks. For everything." And lightly pecked me on the cheek.
I was stunned. I (sadly) had never been kissed by a girl (if only slightly.) I wanted to tell her so badly that I loved her, but I couldn't, not when her boyfriend was lying on a hospital bed and she was unsure if he was going to wake up. That was wrong and cruel. So I withheld my feelings still. It seemed like I would continue to forever.

February 12, 2010. 7:27 PM
On one of those weird days in the end-of-winter days when the temperature is perfect and the sky is clear, I walked with her. That saturday, we didn't really have a destination. Just a purpose. And as we walked, we talked. It was easy to talk to her; she always made a joke out of everything. Soon, I became accustomed to our rhythm and banter. I loved to make her laugh and smile. When she smiled, I just wanted to smile like a small child on Christmas. When the road stopped, we walked through the woods. On our walk, we saw the oddest thing.
Up in a tall tree, there was a single red balloon, caught on a branch. The autumn leaves fell, swirling down from the tree in reds and yellows and oranges and browns. I felt a sudden urge, to let the balloon go, so that it may soar free into the clear blue sky.
And so I started to climb the tree. But I got no more than a few feet up, before my scrawny arms gave out, and I scrambled down from the tree. She laughed in that way that she did that outdid the falling leaves in their beauty and the clear sky in its clarity. She climbed quickly and agilely. When she got to the branch with the balloon, she sat down and made hand motions indicating for me to come up. I sighed in exasperation and attempted to climb up. I fell down every couple feet, but I kept climbing. It took about 20 minutes for me to reach the branch. As I finally got there, I found her staring off into the distance a red sunset painting the horizon. Her hair was illuminated by the dying sun, and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
We sat there for what a while, watching the sun set, with the red balloon in between us. Then I moved my hand to free the balloon, and I found hers, waiting for me there. I pulled the balloon free, and she held it. I looked at her, into her wide, innocent eyes. And I let the balloon go. A part of me with it. In that moment, all came to a stop. The world stopped turning. The clouds stopped moving. Just us. And I guess, something changed between us. Something out of the relationship pyramid. An unseen level. Something more. Something we shared. I remember that night, as the single best night of my existence.

February 13, 2010. 8:12 AM
All my dreams, that day were shedded like the leaves that fell from the autumn tree. For on that day, after six months, he came out of his coma. And that was that. She was all his and I was just the friend in the house to the left. The towel with her tears, discarded. Yes, I was envious. But I was hurt too. My insides hurt. 8:12. That was the time that I received the text that he woke up.
I didn't want to do anything that day. So I took a shower. I found myself in the mirror, my skinniness obscuring most other features, my eyes puffy, my cheeks sunken in. I knew I should not feel self pity. But at the time, logic was useless in a cold world. In the shower I thought. I reminisce on the events of the previous night, and my longtime crush, and her. All thoughts revolved around her, pulled in by some force I could not name, and never will.
In the shower I finally let these strangled, pent up feelings out. In the shower, I couldn't tell my tears from the water. I curled up on the smooth shower floor, the water beating on my hair and my back. I shivered. I turned the shower a notch higher. I could never have her. A notch higher. It would never be the right time to tell her. A notch higher. It was never the right time because I never had the courage. A notch higher. I knew that I couldn't have her, even when I started. The highest notch. I. Wasn't. Good. Enough. And although the searing hot water burned my neck and my bare back, I shivered. No amount of burning water could heat the cold creeping into my heart.

April 2, 2010. 5:12
The sting of heartache had not quite gone away, but rather receded to a dull pain nagging in the back of my mind. I thought more about that one night we had more than anything else. I came up with many explanations for it, but all of them ended as this: it was just a mistake. Nothing more. Nothing personal. Just a screw up in time. The look in her eyes, the autumn leaves falling. And there was the balloon. I had set my heart free at last. But I had left it open to attacks. And now it was a broken glass rose. I bled as I tried to put it back together. So I guess it didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. Life was unfair. Better to get over with it, than slowly bleed out in the vain hope that the one person who caused the injury would come back to save me.
July 11 2010. 2:31 AM
I woke up to hear my phone buzzing downstairs. God. Always in the morning. I lazily grabbed my phone. She had texted," Come to our tree. Urgent."
I ran through the woods, tripping clumsily over roots. The morning dew had set in in the grass. Sunlight streamed through the cracks in the trees. I climbed up the tree to the beach where we had sat a millennia ago. Her eyes were shining and a small smile played faintly on her lips. I asked," what happened?". "We aren't together anymore."."What did he say?" I prepared to be ready to comfort her and tell her that he was wrong to let her go. But what she said next caught me totally off guard. "I broke up with him."" But I thought you were in love..." I asked confused. "I was. But I realized something. It was not who I thought I was in love with. As I got back with my boyfriend, he wasn't like I imagined he would be. Not as funny as smart, as random as I thought. I was making an unfair comparison. I was comparing him to you. I'm in love with you.". I was stunned. The forest seemed coated in a heavy silence. "I-," I couldn't come up with the words I'd hoped I'd get to say so many times. The words I had dreamed of uttering. Her head fell on my shoulder, her long hair touching my neck and sending tingles down my spine. As we sat there, we gazed out onto the horizon. Now was the time. The time to set my heart free. To warm my heart. To end my loneliness. To finish my dreams. "I love you."

Thanks for reading,
Brendan