Thoughts from the heart of an ADD

*Jeremy Tolle lay wake in his bed. A storm crackled outside. He could not sleep this night, nor ever. Unfortunate repercussions of ADD. His lack of attention preceded his rapidly failing grades. So in the time he had during nights, he thought. He pondered on his life in the heavy black silence that permeated the night. He thought of a memory burned into his mind with tongs. A name. Ariana. How could he ever forget the reason he could not love.
Ariana Suarvez. Sure she was nice. Heck, she was beautiful. But he could never date her. Still, he began to think of her. Before he slept, in classes, he thought of her. He didn't like her... He thought. Or did he? He never knew. He told his friends he liked her, that he wanted to date her. But he couldn't. "People don't become addicted overnight. It starts as a just simply something to do. Then it becomes more regular. You think about it more and more and soon, you are dependent" narrated an old doctor with glassy eyes and an empty stare in a video for health on drug addiction. And as corny as it sounds, she was my drug. He thought about her more and more, but never thought of dating her. He never thought He was good enough. But he guessed it is human nature to want what he couldn't have.
He held the phone in his hand, clicking it on and off every couple of seconds. Always the same: no texts. He sighed impatiently. So bored. Finally the response came with a sound similar to cymbals clashing. "Why not? You should just ask her." He typed his reply quickly and deliberately, deciding on every word. "Fine. But how?" The message was sent with a sound like the wind blowing through feathery leaves. Again the waiting and the checking. Finally, he heard the cymbals sharp clang on opened his phone. "Idk just try". "Fine" he replied exasperated. He clicked on Ariana's contact. He hesitated before tapping the touchscreen to reveal their conversations. Most were composed of short texts like 'hey', 'whats up', 'Nmu', 'same', 'cool'. And then the inevitable 'bye'. He thought, what the hell. He sent a message saying, "You busy?". Waited a couple of minutes. The she replied "no". Jeremy's palms grew sweaty, he started,"I've been meaning to tell you..." But then he backspaced his message. That was too creepy. He typed," Um, I was wondering if you wanted to get together with me, see a movie." The wind sound. He waited apprehensively for a minute. Then two. Finally, after an eon's time, she replied, " Jeremy, I mean it when I say this, your a really great friend but uhhh I don't really like you and so..." He doesn't respond for a minute. Then types one letter, "k". The wind sound made echoed throughout his empty, hollowed heart.
He didn't feel much anguish. Just the sense that he had lost something. Someone of importance. An empty cave opened in his chest, words echoing around, ricocheting off the walls. He felt the hole expanding, threatening to consume him in an empty darkness. Rejection. He as a person was not good enough for her and never would be. And so he succumbed to the darkness.
That night, he lay awake. Silently, tears rolled down his cheeks. He wasn't sure if they were of sorrow or joy.
Life went on, as all things did, but he never forgot her. She started texting him, just to check on him. Soon, he began to talk to her. Nothing special. Just friends. Always friends. He learned about her problems. She was anorexic. Although he tried to give it up, hope clung on like a leech, sucking on every last morsel it could out of their short chats. He always tried to help her. One day, found out she was moving to Switzerland or France or some place far away. Too far. So he had to say goodbye. He made a collage of his feelings in pictures. Everything he felt.
And then he sent it. This time, the wind sound represented the fluttering of his long dormant, heart and the reawakening of his hope. She replied quickly,"Your just so ahhh I love you!" For the first time in well... A long time his heart soared. The flame of hope that had so long remained unkindled, flared to life with a renewed sense of purpose and hope. The darkness had receded temporarily. But only temporarily.
For the very next day, she moved. Out of his heart, out of his life. And it was over sooner than it started. They kept in touch. But she made new friends. He made new friends. And life pushed on as it always does and always has. They didn't talk anymore. And so he felt the darkness closing in once more into his heart. Into his soul. A scar forever etched into him. No more visible then a tic. But always there, always scratching in the back of his mind. Always.
And so he thought about her on the long nights. Not as a love, but just as a force. A force that affected his life. He realized that the only way to prevent this inevitable anguish and suffering caused by love was to raise walls. Walls that could no longer be breached. And then a horrible thought cane to him that night.
He had this realization: "what if I never loved her?". He couldn't bear that thought, so he discarded it. But it still hung there like an insect that would never go away. A cold, biting insect.
Never, he promised himself, will I try to find love. Never will I search for the unfindable, attempt to grasp the unreachable, or look at the blinding. And the tears silently rolled down his cheeks like the rain on the black windowsill. My tears.

Thanks for reading,
Brendan

Note from the author: if you want, you can leave the name of your "Ariana"