Hoping & Wishing

You're there right? Watching us silently.
As you know, with my eyes closed, I often ask you, what happen?
Why did I become like this? Was I like this from the beginning? What was I like? I don't remember anymore. Time already took the life out of me. And as much as I want to feel numb it doesn't happen. I can feel everything. Every pieces of me falling, shattering as they touch the ground. Incomplete and almost empty. Just a little bit more and I'll completely vanish. At least that's what i want and what I'm waiting for. You know, I always felt different. Am I though? Maybe not, would be your answer. But as many times I told myself being different is good, it didn't really work because at the core of me, I wanted be like everyone else. Normal. Not the one who was always the last one at the line. The one who always sat at the corner. The one who was never smart enough to know simple answers because she's simply slow. The one who always fell short in everything known and even unknown. The one who pretended and lied a million times just so she could fit in among everyone else. The one who tried to pretend that she's better off alone because she's strong enough. The one who always cried and laughed silently when no one else bothered to listen except for you who had no choice. The one who fell so many times without anyone to catch her.
Everything that came out of her mouth sounded wrong. Everything she did became a mistake. Nothing was good enough. Every fleeting happiness simply didn't last long for her to remember. She tried to keep the memories though but it continued to fail.

Now, she doesn't even remember being young anymore. She doesn't remember how she laughed, she smiled, she cried, she felt contented and innocent, and she doesn't remember the reason why she prayed every night intently to you wishing and hoping everything would be okay and that she would grow up to be a good girl not a bad one.

All she remembers is her mistakes, her regrets, selfishness, and greed. Then it all came down to realization that all she wAnted is pity.

That's me...

I don't know what to say anymore. They are right. And I've always been wrong..

You know I loved you though right? You were the only one that saw me for what I am. You're different among all of them because to you... I can say sorry a million times and forget my big pride every time because it's you. I know no matter how much I pretend and lie you can always see right through me. For now, i really have no idea whether thank you or to hate you for giving me life. But maybe in time, when I feel like I've come to my end. Maybe then I'll tell you.