Kicked out, not loved, complete mess.

Just a few days ago I read some words that would make me stop loving a person after 10years. On the same day my own sister kicked me out from the apartment we share. Now I am at my parents place and I don't feel welcome anywere. Have nobody to talk to because I feel it's al my fault that everything happend the way it did. Maybe it is my fault that I am even alive and doing things that I do. I have no more strength to talk. Just wanna stay in a room away from everyone and be by myself. I know it sounds selfish but after 25 years of pain, sadness, missfortune, being mad, not feeling wanted or welcome, feeling ugly, fat, misstreated, bullied, called meany different names, trying to fit in, trying to be someone else, trying to make my family proud/happy, trying to have a happy/good life....well it takes a lot of strength, mentally.
There are things in life that we survive but when you can't remember the last time you smiled or laughed without anything bad happening after a few days or hours, then you life isn't going like it's supposed to. Something is wrong and I think that God is punnishing me for something I did, but what?
There is no more love for me to give. I have given it al to the wrong people al my life. Now I am empty inside and it will take a long time to make the black hole shine even if it's for a little while.