Doug

Dear Doug, this is a letter, you'll never see
But I felt compelled to write it, nevertheless
As often I still think of you
How things between us were left

I don't believe in a life of regret
No use dwelling on the past
But for some unknown reason
I can't forgive me for the hurt I cast

You were younger than me
When I met you fifteen years ago
My God you were so beautiful
On the inside, even moreso

You began working behind the bar
Where me and my girlies went
Straight away I wanted to know you
A gorgeous guy to me heaven sent

You were intelligent and kind
A really sweet, caring soul
I wanted to be with you
I wanted you to make me whole

You respected that I was a mum
Respected the person that I was
I don't understand what I did
It was if onlys and just because

I grew impatient and stubborn
That's when insecurity set in
I began thinking to destroy
What never got a chance to begin

You probably were more mature
Than I had ever been
I went into self destruct mode
A part of me you'd not seen

You see when I began to care
More than I could cope with
I began to play games and push
Pushing you to a no win limit

When I saw you were jealous
That pushing just took a hold
I never stopped to think of you
How my actions left you cold

I remember your sweet face
Looking hurt and so sad
"Why are you going with him?"
You whispered in a voice so mad

I remember feeling confused
And thinking I should go home
That is what I should have done
Left and gone home ALONE

But then Miss Self Destruct
Urged me to go on ahead
Ignore my feelings for you
Choose a loser instead

God I could kick myself
A thousand times and more
What I did that night
Was cruel and immature

It makes me emotional still
Thinking how I hurt you so
The memory of your hurt face
Fifteen years later, I still know

That was the end of us
You left working at the bar
I never got to say 'I'm sorry'
For me that's left a scar

I think of you at times
Wonder how your life is?
You will always be remembered
Somewhere in my hearts abyss

I remember your gentle kiss
You were such a true gent
You loved that I wrote poetry
Like I said, heaven sent

So although you'll never know
How very sorry that I am
I've wrote it here right now
My feelings for you weren't a sham

I wish I could find you
Maybe tell you to your face?
So that you'd know that I
Am now a woman of grace

I regret that you never
Got the chance to ever see
Who I truly was inside
The chance to see the real me

I think if you had seen her
Who'd know where we would be?
But I made a huge mistake
I underestimated your integrity

So I only have my thoughts
Rattling around inside my head
Dear Doug I am sorry
Are the words I never said

©Kim Brown 13th September 2012
Dedicated to Doug