Wrong Turn

The sound of a train rushing by snapped me out my trance, and I realised that I was shaking. I glanced over towards the others who lay slumped across the opposite bench, seemingly oblivious to the world around them. The cold from the stone tiles on which I sat, seemed to penetrate the rest of me, causing me to shake even more, even though the sun was shining from the clear blue sky above. I tried to remember what I had taken this time, but failed miserably as all drugs seemed to fade into one in the fuzziness of my head. Lighting a cigarette, I watched people pass by, without really taking in anything at all. The cigarette fell through my fingers, landing on my bare thighs, but the expected pain never came. I was numbed by large amounts of drugs and alcohol, which also caused a delay in my reaction, leaving a burn mark on my already scarred skin.

I fell back against the wall and buried my self once again in my thoughts, wondering how I had managed to end so far out. I guess it had all just started with the one bad situation after the other, where drugs had seemed to be my only escape, and now, doping my self until I reached the numbed feeling, of feeling nothing at all, seemed to be the purpose of my every day. The freedom of not having the urge to burst into tears every second, or slam my head into the nearest wall was a relief. Just the fact that I was away from home for a few hours was pure bliss.

Once again, the trains pulled me back to reality, and once again I reached out for the cigarettes. I inhaled the addictive smoke, holding my breath for a second, and then exhaled, watching the smoke whirl around. I knew I was far out, but was it my fault because I started taking drugs, or was it the rest of the worlds fault, because they had treated me so badly, not giving me enough room for me to be me? After my mother being ill, and my father slapping me I suppose I felt justified, as if I had the right to ruin it all. One of the others stirred, sending me an impish grin, clearly having no idea what he was doing, then turned over, and fell back into his zombie-like state.

Pulling my self up, I started to wander across the station, catching a glimpse of my old school, well, one of many at least, and suddenly longed for the old days, when looks and status didn’t matter, and you always had the grown ups to help you out of trouble. Now all of a sudden I was alone, I had to be my own grown up, and I wasn't doing to well either. People started to send disapproving looks my way and I scorned back at them, making them pull their children aside and pretend that they were in a hurry, almost tripping over each other as they crammed into the elevator. I couldn't care less. I threw my self down, waiting for my train. Lighting yet another cigarette, and turning on the music on my phone, ignoring the people around me.

The four minutes it took for the train to roll onto the platform seemed to pass all too fast, and I found my self wishing for the train to break down so that I wouldn’t have to return home just yet. Though it almost seemed as though the train was mocking me as it whisked away over the tracks taking me closer and closer to home. As I watched the landscape fly past the window I wondered what my life would have been like if I had paused for just a second before making some of the wrong choices I had made. If it would be any different, if I changed just one day from past. Probably not.

The train pulled up at my stop, and I reluctantly stepped off, sighing as I regained my balance, and started trudging homewards. I was still shaking, and still freezing, despite the warm weather and my plentiful clothing. Opening the front door, I forced my self to go inside, waving abstractly to my mother, before going to my room, closing the door behind me, and letting my self fall onto my bed. Maybe everything would be different tomorrow, maybe this would all just be a dream, and with that thought, I fell asleep.