Blog Fucking 15. Fuck.

I am writing this in a state of paranoia so...I may not be at my most rational or eloquent. Not that these posts are ever either of those things...but anyway...

I feel like the very definition of a girl right now: I'm an emotional whirlwind that confuses the male species continuously.

But I'm only confusing myself right now.

He texted me asking how my studying was going. I said that I was taking a break and doing laundry. Then he called me.

Oh man...

He was all: I missed your voice! (I talked to him yesterday for over and hour.) You're so cute! Aw I want to eat you!

Yeah...and I replied with: that sounds painful.

And then he was all: aw your too much!

And then he asked if we could talk tomorrow.

Dear fucking god.

For the longest time I feared that he didn't like me, and now I'm scared that he likes me too much.

Also, the first text that he sends me in the mornings...well he always calls me "love"/ "my love " now.

Don't get me wrong, I really like him. I love that he likes me back.

But it's freaking me out because...well I haven't met him yet. And he may decide after meeting me that he doesn't like me.

But I think the worst scenario is that he will still like me upon meeting me and he'll want to date me.

I don't believe in long distance. Yet I still would like to date him, but I'm kinda terrified of dating anyone right now since I've become pretty insecure as of lately.

Sometimes if my insecurities seep into a text I send him he's always like: we'll figure out a way to boost your confidence!

And I die a little every time.

I don't want him to help me get over my insecurities. When he breaks my heart or vice versa I will go back to feeling insecure AND I'll also be heartbroken. And I don't want to be a charity case either! No! I don't want to be the girl that he tried to make better. Being that person that "helps" is not fun at all.

And I never asked him to be that person but apparently he's willing to be there for me in that way...

I just don't know why I'm so scared now. Why am I so scared that he's genuinely interested in me?

Oh right, because I talked myself into believing that I'm not good enough.

Aside from the long distance aspect of our..."friendship" and how that sucks and is prone to being a drag and cheating, I am just a girl. He will be 20 soon. And I will still be a girl.

I'm so insecure about that.

I'm so insecure about many other things that dating a guy entails.

And I'm just so unsure of everything with him right now.

Are we friends? Where are we going with this? Can we at least stay friends if we don't connect in person?

I KNEW he was looking for a relationship because it was on his account on the dating site. When he first started messaging me, he told me that he was looking to meet someone too.

I wasn't looking to date anyone. I was just looking for friends! And girls! I wanted to meet girls!

And he knew that. I told him that. He knows I'm bisexual.

But I don't know if it bothers him. Maybe it didn't bother him at first but now that he may be considering dating me, maybe it does bother him.

I'm scared of asking him.

Maybe he'll begin to doubt my attraction to him. He'll stop liking me in the same way...

But isn't this whole post about how I'm terrified that he likes me in the way that he seemingly likes me? That I want him to stop liking me so much?

I am so confused and I was hoping that writing it all down would help...but idk. My brain is still scattered and I'm still shaking, terrified in my boots. Sigh.