Why Do I Care So Much?

People always say 'I don't care about what other think and say about me' even I say it at times. But what happened today has made me realise how much I do care about what people think about me. I got called a 'user' straight to my face by my so called 'friend'. Firstly my initial reaction to this was who gives a fuck what she thinks, it is my life and what she says can not change that. But I started to think about it and wonder if I am really a 'user' and a 'bitch'. And maybe my 'friends' think I'm a horrible person. But on the other hand, I respect her for saying that to me, as I would never have the guts to say that to somebody's face, especially someone who thought of me as their friend even though the feeling weren't mutual.

I am sitting in my bed at 11pm, just thinking...

What do people really think of me? Am I a horrible person? Do I deserve what she said to me?

I felt humiliated, hurt and crushed. Everything had slowed down, just like in the movies when something bad has happened. I felt betrayed. Unwanted. Thrown away like a piece of rubbish. I felt replaceable, like if I died right at that moment, no one would even notice, that no one would even care.

I feel like everything that has ever been said to me as been a lie, like I have been playing their little game so I'd just have someone to talk to, someone to just be my friend. But u can't even have that. Why? I just don't understand what I have done wrong.

I'm writing this because I feel like your the only people I can talk to who'd listen to me, the only people who I can vent my feeling out to.