A Realisation.

Tonight a character in a novel called 'looking for Alaska' by John Green awoke me to a realisation, the line I read was 'Y'all smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die', the realisation was that that's what I did for years. I've never really known what my purpose in life was and the knowledge of my inability to know what I believed everyone knows about themselves caused me great depression, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, as a result of these emotions I turned to self harm but not self harm in the sense of cutting or anything of that nature, I, instead found more socially accepted methods of harming myself, I found cigarettes, alcohol and drugs, I was doing these things not as a way of enjoying myself but as a way of causing harm to myself, I have since managed to end my drug use (except the occasional dose of MDMA for actual enjoyment), cut my drinking down to slightly less than normal levels and only as recreation and I am soon to begin quitting smoking tobacco. I am still scared and unsure about my life but I have learned in recent times that no one knows for sure what they should be doing from the beginning and that it takes time to work these things out, I have also discovered that I feel a sense of, for want of better phrasing, rightness, when creating music. I am now a fairly normal human, all be it, with more than my fair share of mental and emotional disorders and a highly irregular twitch ((more of a spasm) which I believe to be caused by these years of drink and substance use) and despite the semi-frequent anxiety attacks and panic attacks I'm getting on much better these days. I have many people to thank and apologise to and I hope that one day I can repay them all through the thoughts and feelings that I present in my creations. I'm rambling a little now but ill end this entry by saying simply that I feel much better about it all for just typing this...