Stories Part 1

I know this is very personal, but I try to get out my thoughts.

Hmm, have you ever considered that you life is a total mess sometimes? When you do you know that is too late to do anything about it. Because then it's always going to be a mess...
I think that I just figured out that my life is.. Why can it possibly be that I could not see that some time ago or actually about 2 - 3 years ago?
Maybe I was blind or I just lost myself in that fire of destruction, that I tried to get myself out of. Or did I loose myself before that I can't really figure that out.

I could tell many stories about what happened I my life of good and bad, but that would just be boring to other people because I'm not special anymore. I was at some point, but it all just vanished out of the blue...
I had goals in life for a long time ago, and they just disappeared away with love, moving from my mother, expectations and dreams. Love, yes that love lasted for 3 years and was my first. Now we are just friends, but it is still a bit awkward to me. I have a new boyfriend. He is lovely, but we are standing still. There is not something to keep the engines running, even if I'm trying my best, nothing seems to work sigh